9781529032178

things get too close, and then learn how to communicate that need. Explain
to your partner in advance that you need some time alone when you feel
things getting too mushy and that it’s not a problem with him or her but
rather your own need in any relationship (this bit is important!). This should
quell their worries and somewhat calm their attachment system. They are
then less likely to intensify their efforts to draw closer to you (which is what
makes you uncomfortable the most). Thus, there is a better chance you’ll
avoid a full-blown pursuit-withdrawal dynamic with your partner.
Andres, who has an avoidant attachment style, had been married to
Monica for about twenty-five years when he discovered that he had a
slowly progressive autoimmune condition. It was incurable, he was told, but
given his age, his life expectancy would probably not be severely impaired.
It would require periodic lab tests, though. After the initial shock of the
discovery, Andres was able to push the thoughts about his condition aside
and move on with his life. Monica, however, wasn’t able to do so. She
believed that taking the “business-as-usual” approach was wrong. She tried
to convince him on several occasions to get a second opinion and do a
thorough search on the Internet about his condition. Andres would usually
evade these conversations and brush her medical suggestions aside, but
sometimes it led to severe clashes between them. Finally, after several
months of frustration, he confronted Monica. He knows her involvement
stems from worry and concern, but instead of helping, it only serves to
remind him again and again of his condition. He trusted his doctor and felt
that there was no need for further inquiry. He felt that Monica’s behavior
was not only ineffective in improving his health but also harmful to their
relationship. Monica realized that she wasn’t helping Andres—it was her
way of dealing with such a diagnosis, but it wasn’t his. She understood that
she could be a better, more supportive partner by respecting his wishes
instead of trying to force her own. Since then, Monica has been able to
censor herself more (though not completely), which has allowed the clashes
between them to diminish.

USING EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION TO ENSURE

YOUR NEEDS ARE MET IN THE RELATIONSHIP