9781529032178

attachment role? After all, our brain assigns our partner the task of being
our secure base, the person we use as an emotional anchor and a safe haven,
the one we turn to in time of need. We are programmed to seek their
emotional availability. But what if they aren’t consistently available? In the
Coan MRI experiment, we saw that physical contact with a spouse can help
reduce anxiety in a stressful situation, and we also learned that those who
reported the highest satisfaction levels in their relationship benefited most
from spousal support.
Other experiments have produced even more far-reaching results. Brian
Baker, a psychiatrist and researcher at the University of Toronto, studies
psychiatric aspects of heart disease and hypertension and, in particular, the
way in which marital discord and job strain affect blood pressure. In one of
his studies, Dr. Baker found that if you have a mild form of high blood
pressure, being in a satisfying marriage is good for you; spending time in
the presence of your partner actually benefits you by lowering your blood
pressure to healthier levels. If, on the other hand, you are not satisfied with
your marriage, contact with your partner will actually raise your blood
pressure, which will remain elevated as long as you are in physical
proximity! The implications of this study are profound: When our partner is
unable to meet our basic attachment needs, we experience a chronic sense
of disquiet and tension that leaves us more exposed to various ailments. Not
only is our emotional well-being sacrificed when we are in a romantic
partnership with someone who doesn’t provide a secure base, but so is our
physical health.
It seems, then, that our partners powerfully affect our ability to thrive in
the world. There is no way around that. Not only do they influence how we
feel about ourselves but also the degree to which we believe in ourselves
and whether we will attempt to achieve our hopes and dreams. Having a
partner who fulfills our intrinsic attachment needs and feels comfortable
acting as a secure base and safe haven can help us remain emotionally and
physically healthier and live longer. Having a partner who is inconsistently
available or supportive can be a truly demoralizing and debilitating
experience that can literally stunt our growth and stymie our health. The
rest of the book is about how to go about finding a partner who can become
your secure base, becoming that kind of partner yourself, and helping your
existing partner take on this life-altering role.