after he falls in love he will not compromise, that he values his
independence, that he’s mistrustful. Notice how he even talks about “her
kids”? He could be talking about a woman with children from a previous
marriage, but it’s also possible that even when imagining their joint kids,
Barry views them as “her kids.” The language that he uses creates distance.
He’s also afraid of being taken advantage of by women who want to tie him
down in marriage and of being exploited financially. Consider the first
Golden Rule: Determine if s/he seeks intimacy and closeness. You know he
doesn’t; he talks about wanting to be sought after and a lot of sex but
mentions nothing about emotional support or closeness.
- Bella, single, 24.
Mark and I have been dating for a year and a half. We’re very happy
together. Don’t get me wrong, not everything was perfect from day one.
There were several things that bothered me about Mark at first. One
example is that when we met, Mark was inexperienced sexually, and to be
quite honest, I had to literally coach him in bed. I wasn’t going to live the
rest of my life sexually frustrated! But that’s ancient history. Also, I’m
much wilder than he is. Mark is a serious, down-to-earth type of guy; in
fact, at first I thought he was too geeky for me to date. But I couldn’t have
made a better choice—Mark is warm and dependable—qualities that are
priceless. I love him to bits.
Attachment Style: ____
Answer: Secure. The clearest and most decisive clue that Bella is secure
is the fact that she coached Mark in bed. This is a great example of
communicating relationship issues clearly and effectively. She encounters a
problem, wants to solve it, and feels confident enough to do so. Were Bella
anxious she might blame herself for Mark’s deficiencies in bed; she might
conclude that he’s simply not attracted to her and therefore not making that
extra effort to please her. Alternatively, she might grin and bear the situation
so as not to harm the relationship. If Bella were avoidant, she wouldn’t
blame herself, but she might use Mark’s incompetence to belittle him, a
distancing strategy, and probably wouldn’t coach him in the matter-of-fact
way that she did. It is also apparent that Bella has flexible views of