I just ended my relationship with Amanda. I’m very disappointed, but I
know I could never have spent my life with her. We dated for a couple of
months and at first I was sure I’d found the woman of my dreams. But
different things about her started to bother me. For one thing, I’m convinced
she’s had cosmetic surgery and that’s a real turn-off. Also, she’s not that
sure of herself, which I find unappealing. And once I stop having feelings
toward someone, I can’t stay a minute longer. I’ll just have to keep
searching. I know that the right woman is somewhere out there waiting for
me, and no matter how long it takes, we will meet and be together. It’s a
visceral feeling; I can see her smile and feel her embrace. I know that when
we meet I will immediately feel a sense of calm and quietness. No matter
how many times I fail, I promise myself that I will continue to look.
Attachment Style: __
Answer: Avoidant. This one might be confusing. Paul is yearning for the
woman of his dreams, so he must be secure or anxious, right? Wrong. His
description of an ideal “true love” should raise a red flag. Also, people with
different attachment styles tend to explain why they are still alone in a
different manner: People who are anxious often feel that there is something
wrong with them; secures will have a more realistic view of things, and
avoidants often sound like Paul—they attribute their single status to
external circumstances, such as not having met the right girl. This is a good
opportunity to look beyond what is said to what is not said: If you don’t get
a clear understanding of why this person hasn’t met “the one” even though
he’s dated a great number of women, you should try to read between the
lines. There are also hints in the way Paul describes his relationship with
Amanda—he was very excited about her, but after they got close, he started
noticing little things about her that turned him off. Devaluing your partner
when things become too close is very typical of people with an avoidant
attachment style and is used as a way to create emotional distance.
- Logan, single, 34.
I’ve only dated three people in my life, including Mary. When we met a
couple of years ago, I remember Mary was very unsettled by this fact. She
kept grilling me about my past relationships, and when she realized I really