FEDORA
OK, this hat doesn’t fit me
either, and I’m starting to feel
discriminated against. Why do
hat makers hate me? (It’s fine- I know I have a ginormous
noodle. I made my peace with
it a long time ago.) I can’t even
make this hat fit by violently
shoving it onto my head – it’s
surprisingly stiff, given it’s
made out of straw and the band
has basically zero give. On
the upside, perching it on my
head gives me an extra eight
centimetres height, and the
pinch down the crown gives me
the dignified appearance of a
naval destroyer. I’m not sure
what purpose the teeny-tiny
brim is supposed to serve, but
I doubt it’s sun protection. I’m
guessing this hat is mostly
about compensating for the
wearer’s lack of personality, so
if that’s what you’re looking for:
buy it. RGF
BUCKET HAT
My first impression of this
hat is that it has either been
mass manufactured by an
otherworldly space gremlin, or
Elon Musk. It’s insanely light and
thin, and for some reason I find
myself muttering, “My god, this
hat is a disruptive technology!”
as I pull it out of the box. I also
convince myself it’s made out
of styrofoam since it’s so damn
light, but the tag informs me it
is, in fact, made from polyester.
The tag also promises the
hat is “ONE SIZE”, but I have
concluded my head must be at
least THREE THOUSAND SIZE,
because I really have to pull
down hard to squeeze it over
my skull. After finally managing
to jam it onto my giant noggin
and wearing it for maybe five
minutes, I’m left with an angry
red line across my delicate
forehead and a sweaty scalp.
Would not recommend. RGFFLOPPY HAT
Big floppy hats are my natural
choice of head cover, because
they make everything else
you’re wearing look cooler (and
they’re pretty good at preventing
sunburn, which is a bonus). As
someone who wears the same
three cotton jersey wrap dresses
almost every day of my life, I value
that. I wore my big floppy hat to a
local fete, where I had a pleasant
afternoon sipping green apple
sangria in the sun and smiling
at local babies. I also caught the
eye of another woman wearing
an identical large floppy hat, and
for a perfect moment everything
was right in the world. If you’re
a hat wearer, I encourage you to
buy one of these babies at your
earliest convenience – or, if you
are me, drag one of the three you
already own out of your cupboard
and desperately try to iron out
the brim creases with a hair
straightener. ERLEGIONNAIRE CAP
When I was in primary school,
it was a social death sentence
to wear the legionnaire cap.
I remember a large overlap
between wearing it and being
branded ‘the stinky kid’, whether
or not you actually stank. So, it
was with a non-trivial amount
of trepidation that I put on the
stinky-kid hat and actually
wore it outside my home. To
my surprise, it was by far the
most comfortable and pleasant
hat I road tested; wearing it
was like chilling out inside my
own personal beach tent. And
all that neck protection! Since
I no longer live and die by the
cruel sword of infants’ school
exclusion, I can admit I would
wear this hat voluntarily. I reckon
if I paired it with a Dune Rats
t-shirt, people would think I was
on my way to a music festival to
be arrested for throwing full cans
of beer at the talent. ERtip of the hat
ROWENA GRANT-FROST AND
ELEANOR ROBERTSON TRY SOME
SUMMER HEAD-TOPPERS ON FOR SIZE.
Illustrations Evie Barrow
road test