2020-04-01_Mother_&_Baby

MUM KNOWS BEST

86 | April 2020 |motherandbaby.co.uk

RISE ABOVE JUDGEMENT

And it’s not just the digital world that can

confuse us: sometimes the most well-meaning

advice can throw us out of whack too. If

you’ve ever been at a family get-together, only

for your Great-Aunt Hilda to lean over and

suggest your baby ‘looks a little chilly’ and

could use a cardigan, you’ll understand the

frustration of unsolicited advice.

While you might dream about telling

Hilda exactly where she can stick her

cardigan, comments like this can be hurtful,

leaving you feeling like it’s a dig at your

parenting or that you’re doing a bad job.

But the important thing, Anna explains, is

what you actively do with this exchange.

‘Imagine holding this information in your

open palm. Look at it and think, does this fit

with me? If it doesn’t, let it go. If it does, then

maybe there’s something in it that can be

helpful,’ says Anna. ‘It’s unlikely that this

comment is deliberately meant to upset you,

but if it’s a relative who keeps doing this

and you feel judged, it’s worth having a

conversation with them.’ Try saying: “I respect

that’s your opinion, but I like to do things

differently. Thank you for your advice, but this

is how I’m going to do it.” These conversations

aren’t easy to have with certain people, but if

it’s happening a lot, you could save yourself a

lot of future annoyance by politely but firmly

reminding them of your role as mum.

NOBODY’S EXEMPT

But that, of course, is easier said than done.

If you considered yourself to be a calm and

self-assured woman before your baby came

along, you might be surprised by your new

feelings once you become a parent. But none

of us are immune to a bit of

confidence bashing. ‘Sometimes our self-

esteem is rooted in things like the friendships

we have, the job we do, or the lifestyle

we have, and when we then have a baby,

everything changes,’ says Anna. ‘Suddenly the

things that might have been building up our

self-esteem disappear, and a lot of mums are

left with a lack of confidence, because we

don’t realise how much the things in our life

are feeding our confidence and self-worth.

Which is why it’s so important that we work

on feeling good about ourselves, regardless

of what we are doing, who is in our lives and

what’s in our bank account.’

A loss of confidence isn’t exclusive to new

mums, and we certainly don't want you to feel

bad because you feel like you ‘should’ know

what to do by now. ‘I had a really lovely

experience with my first baby, he was a very

“textbook” child and I really enjoyed it,’ says

Anna. ‘But with my second, I was totally and

utterly thrown. I thought I would just copy

and paste my first experience and do

everything the same, but he was a completely

different baby. He had silent reflux and I

didn’t know how to calm him, so my

confidence was hugely

knocked.’

Whetherit’s colicor

teething,nappy rash

or jaundice,

motherhood

comes witha

whole host

of variables

beyondyour

control.And

regardless

of whether

yo u’ve

Be open

Instead of saying ‘I’m fine!’

when someone asks how you

are at baby sensory, be the one

that says: ‘I’m actually having ahard

time today.’ ‘You’ll find that suddenly

the conversation steps up a leveland

then everyone starts being more openand

honest about their own experiences – andit’s

moments like this where we realise we’renot

alonein the things we struggle with, andhow

easy it is to look at the filtered versions

of parenting that we see,’ says Anna.

‘Vulnerability is really important, and

taking little opportunities to be

open and honest can help to

build up confidence.’

Examine

your internal

dialogue

Consider the way you speak and respond to

yourself. For example, say you dropped some

milk that you spent ages expressing, is your

immediate reaction to scold yourself? ‘If you’ve got

a dialogue that is critical and unkind, that will chip

away at your sense of self and confidence as a mum,’

says Anna. ‘Ask yourself, would I say that to my child?

If not, then it’s not good enough for you either.

We need to start offering ourselves more of that

to build our own confidence in motherhood.

The kinder you are to yourself, the more

you will be able to receive praise and

encouragement from others, and

this will empower you.’

Accept

support

‘As strong, independent women,

we like to tell people, “I don’t need

you to look after my baby while I sleep,

I don’t need you to cook me a meal. I’ve

got this!” But actually, you need to let

people support you, because we’re not

created to mother alone,’ says Anna.

‘We don’t have all of the resources,

and it’s not good for our mental

health to be an island in our

motherhood.’

3

ways to boost your

confidence