Chapter 8 Managing Conflict in Relationships 235“I don’t mean to yell—I raise my voice because I’m not sure
that you’re listening. In my family, whoever is loudest gets
heard.” Metacommunication is important because it allows
us to step back from whatever the conflict is about and take
notice of how we actually communicate during our disagree-
ments. It can help us to identify new ways to handle conflict
that are more productive and perhaps even to catch our-
selves before we are about to deliver hurtful messages.
How do you know when it is time to apologize? Your
friend or relational partner may well demand it from you
directly, particularly if you’ve done or said something seri-
ously hurtful (Theiss, Knobloch, Checton, & Magsamen-
Conrad, 2009). But your own feelings of guilt might also
be a good indicator—guilt is what makes us realize that we
have behaved badly, which motivates us to confess and try
to repair any damage we may have caused (Behrend & Ben-
Ari, 2012). And studies show that you are more likely to be forgiven for rela-
tional transgressions or hurtful comments if you sincerely apologize (Bachman &
Guerrero, 2006; Morse & Metts, 2011).
Canary and Lakey (2012) argue that when relational breaches are very seri-
ous, only a “complete and heartfelt” apology from the offender offers any hope
for the relationship to continue. For Annie and Lillian, Annie’s destructive melt-
down at the bridal shower led Lillian to break off the friendship and disinvite
Annie to the wedding. The two are only able to repair their friendship when they
both apologize: Annie freely admits that it was her fault (including her “men-
tal problems”), but Lillian also apologizes for acting hastily in the heat of the
moment to kick Annie out of the wedding.
There are times, however, when the hurt is too deep even for a sincere apol-
ogy to be able to repair the damage. In that case, the relationship may end in
separation. For it to continue, the offended partner often must be willing to
accept the apology and begin to forgive the transgression.
Forgiveness
To forgive is an emotional transformation, in which you “let go” and move
beyond the conflict or “wrong” that you perceive another has done to you (Wal-
dron & Kelley, 2005). It is not condoning, excusing, or forgetting someone’s
transgression but reducing the negative reactions to the transgression and engag-
ing in compassion and kindness toward the other person (Toussaint, Owen,
& Cheadle, 2012).
After Annie and Lillian apologize to each other in Bridesmaids, they begin
to joke with each other about their past conflicts and history together as friends.
They do not hold grudges about the past but instead just move ahead to their
friendship in the future. They express that their relationship will change once
Lillian gets married but that they will have a new kind of close friendship.
Indeed, scholars argue that forgiveness involves a renegotiation of the relation-
ship, including new expectations and rules for future interactions (Guerrero,
Andersen, & Afifi, 2013).
LILLIAN AND ANNIE’S
heartfelt apologies are
essential to getting their
close friendship back on
track. Suzanne Hanover/©Universal
Pictures/Courtesy Everett CollectionConsider the most serious
situation you’ve faced in
which you had to offer an
apology. What events and
feelings led up to your deci-
sion to apologize? How did
you feel before the apology
and after? Do you believe
that the apology affected
the outcome of the relation-
ship? If so, how?AND YOU?