Chapter 8 Managing Conflict in Relationships 237Bullies and Drama
Back at the beginning of this chapter, we talked a bit about school
bullying, and the somewhat ill-defined line between conflict
and bullying behavior. Let’s revisit the topic now that you’ve
explored both the good and the bad sides of interpersonal conflict.c Bazelon talks about the difference between bullying, which
involves repeated abuse and a marked power difference, and “drama,” which
involves more of a two-way interaction. Researchers note that discussions
of bullying often suggest “that there are bullies and there are the bullied,
but dramas that involve relational aggression often lack a clear perpetrator
and victim (Markwick & Boyd, 2011).” The difference between the two is
rooted in power dynamics—it’s only bullying if one party has some power,
be it real or perceived, over the other.
c Few people get through high school without some intimate familiarity with
bullying—either as a victim, a perpetrator, or a bystander. But most of us
manage to get through it, not necessarily unscathed, but without resorting to
harming ourselves or others. Learning to manage conflict productively, even
(or perhaps especially) when faced with bullying, is an important part of
growing up. “Doing this right,” Bazelon points out, “means recognizing that
there is truth in the old sticks-and-stones chant: Most kids do bounce back
from cruelty at the hands of other kids. They’ll remember being bullied or
being a bully; they’ll also learn something useful, if painful” (Bazelon, 2013).
c In any incident, it is important that the context be considered. But “zero tol-
erance” policies for bullying and other infractions leave administrators’ hands
tied when it comes to discipline: students who clearly have no intentions of
violence or harm—such as a child whose mother packed a knife in her lunch
box to cut an apple—receive the same punishment as a student who brings
a knife to school to attack a classmate. Researchers suggest productive poli-
cies, ones that encourage student dialogue, inform students about bullying,
and empower administrators to consider the context of an incident when
assigning blame or doling out punishments, are far more effective than zero-
tolerance rules (American Psychological Association, 2008).BkBACK TO
one thing, the apology may never come and you may be stuck hanging onto the
bitterness. For another, withholding forgiveness until your “conditions” are met
may be associated with relationship deterioration (Waldron & Kelley, 2005), and
possibly even increased health risks (Toussaint, Owen, & Cheadle, 2012), com-
pared to when you forgive because you feel it is the morally “right” thing to do
(Cox, Bennett, Tripp, & Aquino, 2012). It appears that being able truly to let go
of the hurt is what provides the most optimism for relationship reconciliation.