2020-04-01 Real Simple

Modern

Manners

M.D. ASKS...

When we host my husband’s family at our

house, they have a habit of coming early and

making the dish they were asked to bring, in

my kitchen. They borrow ingredients, complain

if the oven isn’t free, and leave a mess after

I’ve already cleaned the house for company.

I have asked them nicely to bring prepared

dishes; that didn’t work. Now I tell them to

bring nothing. Any insight?

I think your husband’s family might be friends

of ours! Did they once assemble an enor-

mously complicated salad during a huge

holiday meal, one that required every cut-

ting board and colander and inch of counter

space? Sigh. Moving forward, ask them to

bring wine or ice cream. Or send an email

to the whole group that says, “Thank you

so much for agreeing to bring a dish! This

is just a reminder that there likely won’t be

much counter or oven space, so please don’t

plan to make it here.” We’re so lucky to have

friends and family in our lives, and gener-

ous ones at that. The least we can do is help

them annoy us less.

Oops! You mistook your friend’s question

as a request for honest feedback rather than

for validation. She likes her other friends;

of course she felt insulted by your obser-

vations. (This is like when someone asks

you about a haircut. Weigh in on the mag-

azine picture, sure. But if the hair is already

cut? Find something to like about it.) If you

had a do-over, I’d say something positive:

“Everybody laughs so much!” or even sim-

ply “I love that you all included me.” And

now? Apologize. “I’m so sorry. I really don’t

know your friends well enough to judge

them.” Which is, in fact, true. Maybe they

were just trying to impress you, or maybe

they’re actually jerks. But either way, it’s

your old friend who matters to you, and you

can tell her as much.

I.G. ASKS...

Recently, my best friend of 30-plus years

invited me on a trip with two friends I’d

never met. On the trip, she asked what

I thought of her new friends. I told her I

felt they were boastful and competitive—

mentioning the number of cars they own

and all the musicals they’ve seen. My friend

got offended, and the rest of the trip was

very uncomfortable. It’s been a month.

I’ve texted and called but haven’t heard

from her. Was I wrong to share my opinion?

REAL SIMPLE’S ETIQUETTE EXPERT,

CATHERINE NEWMAN , OFFERS

HER BEST ADVICE ON

YOUR SOCIAL QUANDARIES.

ABOUT

CATHERINE

The author of How to

Be a Person: 65 Hugely

Useful, Super-Important

Skills to Learn Before

You’re Grown Up (out in

May), Catherine Newman

has shared her wisdom on

matters ranging from

family and friends to hap-

piness and pickling in

numerous publications.

She gets advice from her

husband and two opinion-

ated, largely grown

children in Amherst,

Massachusetts. CATHERINE NEW

MAN ILLUSTRATION BY ULI KNÖRZER

76 REAL SIMPLE APRIL 2020 Illustrations by Yoco Nagamiya

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