15
DCthe washington post
.
thursday, march(^5) ,
2020
Parenting coach and colum-
nist Meghan Leahy answered
questions recently in an online
chat. Here is an edited excerpt.
Q: My 6-year-old son is very
smart and capable, and he loves
school and all sports. However,
he has a meltdown each
weekend when preparing to
leave for these activities
(now dance and basketball),
even if we have discussed the
schedule the night before
without objections. He has had
similar reactions to after-school
activities even though he is in
aftercare regardless. We do not
want to push him, but we do
want him to follow through
with commitments, and he
truly enjoys the activities once
he’s there. What is the best
way to approach these
situations?
A: Some children struggle with
transitions, and it is typical.
What happens is this:
l He’s interested in an activity
when you bring it up and thinks
it will be fun. In that moment,
basketball sounds great.
l He forgets that he signed up
for a class.
l He is happy in pajamas with
his family, and then boom , it’s
time to go.
l He has forgotten that he
wanted to play basketball, and
now staying in pajamas is more
attractive than leaving the
house.
l You rationally remind him
about signing up, not wasting
money and not letting down the
team.
l He doesn’t care about your
rational thoughts, gets
frustrated and melts down.
l You drag him to practice,
where he remembers that he
likes basketball and plays
happily.
l You want to rip your hair
out.
And repeat.
What we have to change is
twofold:
- Keep reminding him of
basketball the day before and
leading up to it. - Stop being rational. Agree
with his emotions, saying: “It
stinks to leave the house,
doesn’t it? I know just how you
feel. And we are going.” You can
keep your boundary while also
listening to him and keeping his
feelings going. Just stop the
back-and-forth.
I also don’t mind sweetening
the pot here. It is okay to give a
little reward for a smooth-ish
transition. Just don’t get mired
in punishments. It will add
frustration to frustration.
Q: We have an extremely
difficult almost 6-year-old
daughter. Everything is an
argument. Because of this, we
tend to let a lot of things go, but
when it comes to the big things,
we have to really come down
strong to enforce them. She is
an only child, and she has
always been very challenging.
The school counselor was zero
help. My husband wants to
move her to a parochial school.
Would family counseling even
help? Is she too young? We are
exhausted, and we constantly
reinforce each other so as to not
get defeated. She now has a
reputation of being a spoiled
brat, and we are not doing fun
things as a family because we
are uncertain of her reaction if/
when she does not get her way.
Any suggestions?
A: I am wondering: Is she
gifted? Does she have other
emotional/physical needs not
being met?
If this is the case, there is no
amount of parochial school that
will help her.
Write down her behaviors
and your reactions (and be
honest), and bring them to your
pediatrician. A psychiatric
evaluation could illuminate
your daughter’s behavior and
lead you to better parenting
decisions.
Meanwhile, I would meetwith a parent coach to assess
how to react to her frustration
and set up systems in the house
that promote less back-and-
forth. When parents get trapped
in arguments with their kids,
they become about as mature as
their child. Stopping your part
of the fight is a big step in
taking back some of the
parenting power that you may
have given away.
Not arguing is one of the
hardest things you will do,
because it’s probably a habit for
you now. I strongly suggest
getting professional help with it.Q: My 14-year-old son has
always been the center of
attention with his friends — the
life of the party, though we
rarely saw that at home.
Recently, he has become distant.
He’s angry at the world, angry at
us, disgruntled with school and
even with some of his friends. I
try not to pry too much (don’t
ask about the girls, casually ask
who he’s sitting with at lunch,
etc.), but I’m sad for him, and I
want to help. How many times
can I ask if he’s okay before
giving up?
A: First, pick up “Decoding
Boys: New Science Behind the
Subtle Art of Raising Sons” by
Cara Natterson to help you.
There is evidence that, when
girls shut parents out, we are somuch more willing to get in
there and make them talk and
communicate. But, for an
assortment of reasons, we tend
to turn away from our teen boys,
leaving them to fend for
themselves with their big
feelings and worries, which isn’t
good in this time of the Internet
and social media.
Don’t give up, but you can
stop asking if he’s okay, because
chances are good that he isn’t
going to turn around and tell
you everything in his heart.
Instead, you need some
forced proximity. This means a
trip. A day, a weekend — it
matters not. Get in his space, do
something that he loves and see
if he begins to thaw.
It’s okay to say: “I notice
you’ve been angry. I got pretty
angry as a teen, too. It’s normal.”
And then be quiet and wait. Let
him sift around his own feelings
before he talks, and don’t push.
You are providing more of a safe
space than a confessional.
Tr y to schedule little get-
togethers: dinners, getting
outside, anything that brings
you together.
Slow, steady and present is
your goal.Q: I’m a first-time mom, and I’m
wondering how you deal with
the anxiety that something is
going to go wrong with thepregnancy or childbirth?
A: How do you deal with the
anxiety of the pregnancy? Like
we all have: One day at a time.
Pregnancy is one space where
humans have very little control.
It is maddening, but in a funny
way, it is the best preparation
for having a child (another way
to not have any control).
I will suggest a handful of
ideas:
l Stay busy. Keep living your
life, and try not to dwell on
what is happening. The body is
running itself just fine with your
overactive mind, so keep on
keeping on with your life.
l Move your body a lot.
Walking, swimming, you name
it. Any movement keeps anxiety
at bay.
l Yoga for pregnant women.
This is a beautiful way to give
yourself some body love and to
breathe.
l Don’t read parenting books
or pregnancy stuff. Yes, you read
that right. All they will do is
churn you up, and you don’t
need them.
l If you feel like your anxiety
is spinning out of control, please
see a therapist. There are simple
ways to help a worried mind, so
don’t go it alone.Q: My 8-year-old is super
respectful to everyone outside
the house, but often acts rude
— rolling her eyes and just
talking in a mean, disrespectful
way — to me, her dad and her
sister. Although I’m glad that
she doesn’t act this way with
other people, it’s so frustrating.
I just want us all to get along.
She is the younger one; her
sister is almost 10. I want to
change the dynamic, but I don’t
know how. She is not
mimicking what she hears, as
we don’t talk that way to each
other. She does seem to do
better one-on-one, so I wonder
if she doesn’t feel “seen” unless
she’s being raucous.
A: I think you are onto
something with that last
sentence.
I don’t know what is going on
in the family, but rude behavior
like this is a cry for connection
and help.
I know that everyone wants
to punish and nip it in the bud,
but I would carve out
meaningful special time with
her while also finding a way to
address the rudeness. Also at washingtonpost.com
Read the rest of this transcript and
submit questions to the next chat,
March 18 at 11 a.m., at
live.washingtonpost.com.PARENTING Q&A
Managing p regnancy anxiety, distant teens, rude kids and more
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