Times 2 - UK (2020-10-15)

(Antfer) #1

2 1GT Thursday October 15 2020 | the times


times


I


passed a woman on the
street the other day wearing
a mask emblazoned with
“Resting Bitch Face”. This is
not an expression I
particularly like, I will say,
while wearing my Morally
Superior Face, which I’ve
been told I can carry off whereas
others can’t. (I don’t know why it
looks so adorable on me; it
just does.)
RBF refers to a woman’s face
that, at rest, looks scowling or
sullen because she’s, what?
Expected to look smiley and
cheerful and happy at all times?
And why no similar expression
for men? Actually, there was —
“Resting Asshole Face” — but
that never gained traction.
Needless to say. (Resting Bitch
Face is now in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Resting
Asshole Face is not.)
However, that’s all by
the by, you will be
delighted to hear,
because I know, just
know, you’ve put on
your Oh God Here
She Goes Again
Face, which, when
it’s not to hand, you
swap for your Is She
Ever Going to
Change the Record
Face. I get that. As it is
I’m wearing my Oh God
Here I Go Again Face,
which I sometimes swap
for my Am I Ever Going to
Change the Record Face.
So I’m with you, you bet.
But all this has given me a
brilliant idea: what if I came
out with a range of masks that
specifically spelt out the kind
of mood we’re in? And what
we’re thinking? Wouldn’t that
be something?
Think what it would mean.
Wouldn’t we be liberated from
having to perform those small
(but undeniably vicious)
passive-aggressive acts in the
hope that others will work it
out for themselves? Wouldn’t it

ICONIC LIVING/ETSY
6 Those Hands Aren’t Going to
Wash Themselves Face

6 Thank You For Lifting Your
Mask to Shout in the Face of a
Minimum-Wage Worker Face

6 I’m Mad on Fatima’s
Behalf Face

6 If Anyone on This Bus Falls
Asleep With Their Mask Over
Their Eyes I Am Going to Stab
Them Face

6 I’ve Never Travelled From
Scotland to Westminster Spitting
Covid in Everyone’s Face Face.
(This is, in fact, very similar to
my Morally Superior Face. And
just as adorable.)

Domestic masks
6 I’ve Come Home Late and
See You Haven’t Put the
Dinner on Face*

6 Now You’ve Brought
This Downstairs I’ll
Take It Upstairs Again
Because I Know You
Won’t Face

6 What Don’t You
Get About Not Putting
Saucepans in the
Top Basket of the
Dishwasher Face.

6 My Goodness Mike
Bartlett’s Life is a Soapy Bore
Let’s Turn Over Face

6 Do You Have to Eat Soup Like
That Face

6 Please Do Keep Checking Your
Phone While I Talk to You Face

And lastly
6 That’s Me Done for the
Day Face

(*This will save you having to
bang pans resentfully, then serve
up with an undeniably vicious
and sarcastic “Happy now?”
These masks are genius.)

Slave


Niece’s


Zoom


surprise


Slave Niece has
started volunteering
with a service that
puts younger people
in touch with older
people who might be
lonely. (Charity
begins at home, I
would tell her, if
she ever put her
phone down.)
The service is by
Zoom, she’s committed
to chatting to a
93-year-old woman

once a week, they have
just had their first
session and, from
the sound of it, Slave
Niece will be in receipt
of much wisdom.
The conversation
went like this:
Woman: “Are you
married?”
Slave Niece: “I’m not
married. I’m only 25.”
“I was married at 25.”
“I do have a
boyfriend.”

“How long have you
been going out
together?”
“Nearly a year.”
“And you’re not
married? You have to
get your first marriage
in early so you have
time for a second, love.
Get him to marry
you now.”
Slave Niece is,
genuinely, much
looking forward to
this ride.

Deborah Ross


I saw a mask that said


‘Resting Bitch Face’. My


range will say this...


Balmoral test:


As The Crown portrays Princess Diana’s


royal house party initiation in Scotland,


Esther Walker says that grand weekends


at country piles are still a minefield


S


ocial etiquette pervs are
all a-fluster at the news
of an episode of the hotly
anticipated fourth series
of The Crown called
The Balmoral Test. In it,
Margaret Thatcher is
shown ballsing up the
intricate social rules required at the
Queen’s Aberdeenshire estate, such
as never interrupting or helping Her
Majesty while she is tidying up after
one of the endless mandatory picnics.
Meanwhile, Princess Diana, immersed
from birth in all this nonsense, passes
with flying colours.
I don’t know why everyone thinks
Balmoral is so special; all visits to
smart country houses are primed
with multiple faux pas IEDs. Having
committed most of them, I am able to
provide you with my handy guide to
what to do where, which is useful
knowledge if you want to be invited
back. And especially if you don’t.

Arrival
Don’t be early; it’s rude. Aristocrats
and other sorts of rich people don’t
just laze about, waiting for you to
arrive; they have schedules packed
with estate manager meetings and
emergency Botox. Or, worse, they are
slumped on the sofa with the Black
Dog and can’t face People until the
appointed time. Also, don’t be late;
that’s rude too — unless you have a
very glamorous reason, such as you
had to attend to the nervous
breakdown of a famous actress friend.
Never forget that you have been
invited to this house to provide
distraction and entertainment.
Thus, a good story, a piece of gossip
or some drama trumps all rudeness
or bad behaviour.
Having said that, you must
absolutely never, ever declare that you
will not be there for a certain meal,
then turn up for that meal anyway.
Your host will have to beg the chef to
rustle up something extra and they
hate having to grovel to their staff.
They will resent you for literally ever.

Gifts


What do you get for the person who
not only has everything that they
need, but can also buy 50 of anything
they want at the drop of a hat?
Unfortunately, the answer is
something that shows a huge amount
of effort. Some ideas: his’n’hers
pyjamas decorated with the face of the
spouse; a compilation video of your
host competing at point-to-points; or
a box full of obscure childhood food
treats from their home town.
The second hurdle is getting this
bespoke gift to your host without it
being taken from you by a member
of staff who will toss it in the “gift”
cupboard (think of the storage unit at
the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark)
never to be seen again. Keep a tight
hold on to it until pre-dinner drinks

and present it then. It’s worth noting
that Princess Diana might have
aced the Balmoral test, but fluffed
her first Christmas by showing up
at Sandringham with luxury trinkets
when the thing to do with the royals
is to buy joke items such as leopard-
print posing pouches.

What to wear


It is impossible to anticipate correct
dress and the only thing to do is
massively overpack so that you
have options.
The basics are as follows. First,
sturdy outdoor shoes or wellies for
striding about. Only Le Chameau
wellies or Dubarry boots will do;
absolutely not Hunter. Second, indoor
shoes so that you don’t get the floors
muddy (the wealthy wear spotless
trainers from Common Projects or
Allbirds, while posh people wear
deck shoes or Moroccan slippers).
And last, your party shoes.
If your host is at the bohemian end
of the aristocracy, they won’t mind if
you turn up for dinner in bare feet.
Extra points if you have an amusing
excuse for no party shoes such as:
“Cara Delevingne won them off me
in a game of poker.” It doesn’t have
to be true: see my entertainment-
value point above.
Across the class spectrum, wealthy
people enjoy crazy clothes that
provide a dinnertime talking point,
such as jackets that incorporate
feathers, novelty trousers and hats.
Something unexpected will happen
in the middle of the night — an

alarm will go off or a lost horse will
amble into your bedroom — so a
pair of pyjamas that provide coverage
is a good idea.
If you are staying in a castle, the
bedrooms will be too cold ( just ask
Cherie Blair). If you are staying with
a billionaire, they will be too hot.

Other guests


You can’t ask in advance who else
will be staying, and while some hosts
will tell you, the more mischievous
will take impish delight in not. This
is so that you have to work out who
is who without asking the verboten
question “What do you do?” And
all the while carefully not talking
about the economy in case that fellow
there really is Mervyn King and
not a dopplegänger. It’s a party game
of sorts, requiring guesswork and
frantic bathroom googling. If you’re
in the right mood it can be fun.

Don’t speak at


breakfast unless


it’s absolutely


necessary


ting Bitch
ford
esting

by


d


p
g to
e.
t.
me a
ame

just as ado


Domestic
6 I’ve C
See Yo
Dinn

6
Th
T
B
W

6
G
Sa
Top
Dish

6 My G
Bartlett’s
Let’s TurnO

6 Do You Ha
That Face
Virus-related masks
6 Thank You For NOT Following
the Arrows in Sainsbury’s Face

6 If Any Of Us Are Ever Tracked
and Traced It’ll Be a Miracle Face

6 Thank You For Wearing Your
Mask ON YOUR CHIN Face

6 I Do Not Wish To Rethink.
Reskill. Reboot. Thanks All the
Same Face

be great to get our anger out
there and not tippy-toe around it?
So I’ve come up with my own
range of masks, and although at
first I didn’t know how to price
them — the RBF ones, available
online, are about £8 each — I’ve
now figured out a cost structure
that makes them most expensive
up north (£10), less expensive in
the Midlands (£8) and cheapest in
the south (£6). This makes no
sense whatsoever, but is in tune
with the zeitgeist, so there you
are. And also, just so you’re not
caught out, no orders will be
taken after 10pm. These masks
are designed for use in public,
virus-related situations as well as
domestic ones. Stock includes:
Free download pdf