Times 2 - UK (2020-11-13)

the times | Friday November 13 2020 1GT 3

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Old-fashioned,

mild-mannered

centrists

2

1

Once, pretty much everyone was

a mild-mannered, liberal, easy-going

centrist. Remember the era of “I agree

with Nick” and “Hug a hoodie”?

What a difference a decade makes.

No need to summarise the power

shifts here: you’ve just lived through it!

These days one of the biggest insults

that can be hurled online is: “you

centrist”. “Centrist Dad” is the enemy

of the far left, while the “metropolitan

liberal” — which is how people with

Range Rovers say “Centrist Dad” — is

the enemy of the far right. Everyone, it

seemed, hates the metropolitan, liberal

centrists, although many of the haters

must be former centrists. I mean, Boris

Johnson definitely used to be more

centrist. And Trump! In 2001 he was a

Democrat! I guess it’s like boot-cut

jeans: we all say they’re horrible now,

but we all wore them in 2007. So much

of politics is just... fashion.

So let us reflect on that rarest of

things: A Good Month For Centrists.

First, Jeremy Corbyn was suspended

from the Labour Party. “Oh, Jeremy

Corbyn” became “No, Jeremy Corbyn”.

Or, if he’s eventually ejected from the

party, “Go, Jeremy Corbyn”. A far-left

rebellion has yet to materialise: ultra-

Centrist Dad Keir Starmer is ahead in

the polls, while Corbyn has apparently

retreated to the Isle of Wight to

holiday with a famous left-wing nudist.

That’s... so Jeremy Corbyn.

Meanwhile, the terrifying spell that

Trump cast over the US appears to

have been broken. Seemingly

unstoppable by facts, impeachment

or a deadly virus, he had started to

assume, in the imaginations of the left,

the powers of an immortal bogeyman.

Now, however, we live in a post-Four

Seasons Total Landscaping world.

By calling a ludicrous post-election

press conference in the car park of

a gardening firm between a sex shop

and a crematorium, Trump’s right-

hand bastard Rudy Giuliani has badly

dented the president’s aura of

invincibility. Getting five million fewer

votes than Centrist Dad Joe Biden was

a bit of a kick in the nuts too.

Suddenly, there’s just... more people

in the centre. Trump’s political

position is starting to look like he did

playing that round of golf the day after

the election in Virginia: alone.

Meanwhile, in Westminster, Biden

has been on the phone to Johnson,

telling him that his Brexit plans for the

Good Friday Agreement won’t work,

and Boris’s former “business associate”

Jennifer Arcuri tweeted a summation

of his political opportunism: “This is

repulsive Boris Johnson. This tweet

exposes you for what you really are...

#GreatSupineProtoplasmicInvertebrate

Jelly in other words, 100% #puppet.”

Of course, there are 49 days of this

mad year left to go, and no one would

want to underestimate 2020’s ability

to throw in another half a dozen

demented plot twists before New

Year’s Eve. But for the first time since

the Brexit vote in 2016 anyone who

would still, proudly, call themselves

a liberal centrist is feeling like...

there might be a revival ahead?

After all, the world’s greatest

heroes at the moment — the

husband-and-wife team Ugur Sahin

and Ozlem Tureci, inventors of the

breakthrough Pfizer Covid

vaccine — are two bike-

riding immigrants

who quietly built

their own

multibillion-

pound

pharmaceutical

company. You

can’t get

much more

right-down-

the-middle

centrist

than that.

And so to the unholy

revelation that is

the limited edition

Sonic the Hedgehog

Curry. Pictures of the vivid blue dish

have circulated the internet, and the

world is unanimous in its review: that

looks absolutely revolting.

Besides humans being fairly

decisively programmed not to eat

deep-blue things — that’s why those

disinfectant blocks in urinals are

blue: to dissuade any drunken

snacker from taking a nibble

— there was added horror

because Sonic himself is, indeed,

blue. Is the curry... made of

hedgehog? Has the recession

already hit so hard that Nintendo

was cannibalising its biggest star?

Surely no fan actually wants to eat

their hero? I think we all felt a bit

weird about “Salt ’n’ Lineker” crisps

— and at least they didn’t look like

Gary. This is as if Walker’s had made

the crisps in the shape of Lineker’s

ears. Or face. There are just certain

lines you don’t cross.

That said, at least Nintendo can

comfort itself because it has invented

not only the vindablue, but also the

cobalti, the Avatarka daal and — if

you’re ordering off the English menu

— the smurf ’n’turf.

DOWN

Sonic the

Hedgehog

Pop

forthcoming album Medicine at

Midnight while raising money

for the Sweet Relief Musicians

Fund. The concert starts at

an unsociable 1am GMT, but

buying a ticket gives you

access for the next 48 hours.

nocapshows.com, tomorrow

Foo Fighters at the Roxy

Fresh from losing a drum battle

with the ten-year-old rhythm

sensation Nandi Bushell,

Dave Grohl rounds up his ever-

cheerful rock band for a live-

stream from the Roxy Theatre

in Los Angeles, marking his

Film

granddaughter Journey

(Madalen Mills, right with

Phylicia Rashad) has tracked

him down after 30 years of

estrangement from her mother,

Jeronicus’s daughter Jessica

(Anika Noni Rose). Cineastes

will love the nods to kids’ movie

classics. See review, p7. Netflix

Jingle Jangle: A

Christmas Journey

Forest Whitaker delivers

a restrained yet sensational

performance in this colourful

Christmas musical about

a Victorian-era toymaker called

Jeronicus Jangle (Whitaker)

who has lost his mojo. His

Theatre

women. Here 15 pieces, all

roughly 15 minutes long, are

divided into three sequences —

The War, The Desert and The

Labyrinth — performed by such

actors as Olivia Williams, left,

and a majestic Doña Croll.

jermynstreettheatre.co.uk,

today, tomorrow

15 Heroines

Figures from the world of

Greek and Roman mythology

get a contemporary reworking

in this ambitious series of

streamed monologues by

writers including Natalie

Haynes. Ariadne, Phaedra et al

become thoroughly modern

Comedy

Stibbe, right, Helen Lederer,

Adam Buxton and Professor

Jonathan Silvertown, whose

book The Comedy of Error

looks at the science of laughter.

comedybookfest.com, Sunday

Chortle Comedy Book Festival

The comedy website joins the

comedy streaming service

Next Up to begin an eight-day

festival of interviews. Sunday’s

opening line-up includes Nina

Dance

Le Corsaire to modern classics

such as Frederick Ashton’s

serene Monotones II and

Christopher Wheeldon’s lovely

Within the Golden Hour.

stream.roh.org.uk

Royal Ballet

A selection of highlights from

the repertoire shows off the

talents of Britain’s biggest ballet

company, from 19th-century

bonbons such as Swan Lake and

Classical

Mark Wigglesworth conducts

the company orchestra and

chorus, with a strong line-up

of soloists: Sarah Connolly,

right, Elizabeth Llewellyn,

Ed Lyon and Gerald Finley.

BBC Two, tomorrow

Mozart Requiem

English National Opera

returns home to London’s

most beautiful theatre, Frank

Matcham’s Coliseum, to present

Mozart’s sombre masterpiece

for a primetime TV audience.

Boy George on bling and fame; plus,

Leonard Cohen in his own words

The hot list

Your guide to the weekend

In Saturday Review tomorrow

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