146
Introduction
While I appreciate the sophistication of the hook and thesis, don’t feel like you can’t keep it simple. Such
cleverness is not expected or necessary. What I love is that he didn’t fill the intro paragraph with a bunch of
abstract fluff and philosophy. Everything he wrote supported his thesis and he wasn’t repetitive with his thoughts
(meaning he didn’t say the same thing three times in different ways). Save the repetition for a restatement
of your thesis in your body paragraphs! And he didn’t use the intro to figure out what his thesis was going to be.
The reader can tell when you’re floating along trying to FIND what to say,
rather than KNOWING what you want to say.
It is clear he knew his thesis BEFORE he set pen to paper. Notice how pretty much every part of the intro is
highlighted. That means it is filled with ONLY the essentials, as it should be. Bravo!
Body Paragraph #1
The transition is so-so, and the level of detail is adequate. He tells me the date of the Civil War, he knows who
the president was, and he tells me the reason the Civil War occurred. He doesn’t tell me how this example proves
his thesis, but that’s okay, because he gives a related example and ties them together at the end. He transitions
to his second example (Sept. 11th) quite nicely, and goes into a sufficient level of detail. A sentence detailing
just how Americans rose to the occasion might have been a nice addition. I do think his thesis connection is
weak. He explains how these two events help portray the character of Americans, but does he connect this to his
more general thesis: to truly understand oneself? He should have indicated how looking at these events and
ascertaining the characteristics of America help him understand his motivations on an individual level.
Body Paragraph #2
The transition is great, and I love the level of detail. He expands on the concept of looking at America as a whole
and connects it to his thesis with the final sentence. This is what you are going for with those body paragraphs.
He is PROVING his point to me.
Conclusion
What I love is that he rounds out his essay by bringing it back to the Olympic example, which was his hook.
Not necessary, but a nice trick. He relists his examples and restates his thesis. An altogether great conclusion!
As a whole, I think this is a great essay. He lost me for a bit in the second paragraph, but he got right back on
track in the third. It was easy to read, which makes the reader’s job more pleasant. This essay would get a solid
score somewhere in the 10-12 range.
Let’s look at another essay that answers the same question - do we need other people in order to understand
ourselves - but in an entirely different way. Analyze the essay on your own first, before you look at my analysis.
Essay #2 .................................................................................................
There exist people who possess the unnerving gift of self-reflection: the Dr. Phils who preach the
psychologically healthy frame of mind and the Mother Theresas so pure of heart self-reflection is second nature.
But the majority of us humans are so consumed by ego that our view of ourselves is blurred, the edges soft and
the truth obscured. We need other people to occasionally hold up a mirror and say, “this is who you really are.”
Such reflectors are found in the persons of Gandhi, as well as the many individuals who cross our paths.