147For years, India existed as a submissive British colony, her resources and culture diluted by the
Mother Country. It took a single man, Gandhi, to take a stand, hold up a mirror to his fellow countrymen and
remind them that they are Indians, and that India belonged to them. Thru nonviolent resistance in the form of
peaceful protest and hunger strikes, Gandhi helped his people discover their true nature, sparking a resistance
that eventually earned India her freedom.
Each day I see a glimpse of myself in my interactions with others. Just this morning, with a veritable
downpour to accompany me, I was walking from 7-Eleven to my car, when a man carrying a bike and wear-
ing an orange vest stopped me. “Excuse me,” he began, “I work at the VA and my tire is flat. I need a pump
to get home. I live all the way downtown and it’s cold and raining.” I hesitated, not wanting to be taken
advantage of. “How much is a pump?” I asked. “Five bucks,” he responded. Just the amount of cash in my
wallet. I tossed over the money. “God bless you,” he smiled a toothy grin. “You saved me. You’re a good
person.” Hearing those words reflected so sincerely made me smile in turn. But I didn’t let myself off the
hook that easily. I had to acknowledge that my first reaction was one of resistance. While we need others to
better understand ourselves, we must still be equipped with the ability to self-reflect.
The ego is a powerful motivator and difficult to manage on our own. We need other awesome indi-
viduals like Gandhi, or a simple man in an orange vest, to tame our egos and let our true lights shine.
Now let’s analyze this second essay, checking to see if it has all the necessary components.
There exist people who possess the unnerving gift of
self-reflection: the Dr. Phils who preach the psychologically
healthy frame of mind and the Mother Theresas so pure of
heart self-reflection is second nature. But the majority of us
humans are so consumed by ego that our view of ourselves is
blurred, the edges soft and the truth obscured. We need other
people to occasionally hold up a mirror and say, “this is who
you really are.” Such reflectors are found in the persons of
Gandhi, as well as the many individuals who cross our paths.
For years, India existed as a submissive British colony,
her resources and culture diluted by the Mother Country.
It took a single man, Gandhi, to take a stand, hold up
a mirror to his fellow countrymen and remind them that
they are Indians, and that India belonged to them. Thru
nonviolent resistance in the form of peaceful protest and
hunger strikes, Gandhi helped his people discover their true
nature, sparking a resistance that eventually earned India her
freedom.
HOOK – a great one sentence hook,
and she did a bit of name dropping
while she was at it.EXPLANATION of THESIS – she
tells WHY we need others to help us
understand ourselves.THESIS – Nice and clear. She answers
with a firm yes.EXAMPLES – she transitions nicely
into her list of examples.TRANSITION? Oops. Looks like she
forgot one.This might be a little melodramatic,
and the detail that follows isn’t very
impressive.THESIS CONNECTION – the
connection to the thesis is there, but I
would have liked a stronger paraphrase
of the thesis, especially since this
paragraph lacks substantial detail.