148
Each day I see a glimpse of myself in my interactions
with others. Just this morning, with a veritable downpour to
accompany me, I was walking from 7-Eleven to my car, when
a man carrying a bike and wearing an orange vest stopped
me. “Excuse me,” he began, “I work at the VA and my tire is
flat. I need a pump to get home. I live all the way downtown
and it’s cold and raining.” I hesitated, not wanting to be taken
advantage of. “How much is a pump?” I asked. “Five bucks,”
he responded. Just the amount of cash in my wallet. I tossed
over the money. “God bless you,” he smiled a toothy grin.
“You saved me. You’re a good person.” Hearing those words
reflected so sincerely made me smile in turn. But I didn’t let
myself off the hook that easily. I had to acknowledge that my
first reaction was one of resistance. While we need others to
better understand ourselves, we must still be equipped with
the ability to self-reflect.
The ego is a powerful motivator and difficult to
manage on our own. We need other awesome individuals
like Gandhi, or a simple man in an orange vest, to tame
our egos and let our true lights shine.
TRANSITION – although she doesn’t
transition directly from the second to
the third paragraph, she does transition
quite well by referring to her thesis. If
trapped between the second and third
paragraph, just transition with your
thesis.DETAIL - appropriate level of detail.THESIS CONNECTION – Love it!
It’s subtle, but clear.Want to score a 6? Go that much
deeper. She doesn’t just stick to her
thesis, but takes it to a new level here.
Love that trick.RELIST EXAMPLES – great!RESTATEMENT of THESIS – great!Introduction
This intro is short, sweet, to the point, and beautifully clear. I know exactly what her point of view is, and I
know (as the reader) exactly where she is going to take me. She has a strong hook and flips direction with some
elaboration that leads clearly to her thesis and subsequent list of examples. THIS is all you need to do!
Body Paragraph #1
She falters in this paragraph. She provides no transition, and I am not convinced she really knows all that much
about Gandhi. The whole paragraph seems to be padded mainly with fluff. She does connect the example back
to her thesis, which is key, so I am likely to forgive her if she can get back on track in body paragraph #2.
Body Paragraph #2
What is THIS, you ask: A clever way to make a personal example work. She falters with her historical exam-
ple, but draws me right back in and hooks me with her personal one. I love the detailed description of the rain
and the man. I love the dialogue. What a treat after reading 190 other essays about The Great Gatsby! At last!
Something original! And the example PROVES her point. She connects it to her thesis (the man made her see
that she has a good heart) and she takes her point of view a step further by acknowledging that we can’t just
depend on others to help us see ourselves, we also need to self-reflect. Use your life, especially if you can’t
think of solid examples. Did this really happen to my student? Hmm... I guess we’ll never know, but I’m
buying it.