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VegNews Digital Director Jasmin Singer (thinks she)
knows a thing or two about love, and is baring all.veg love
Disney had sure done
a number on me.
EVEN THOUGH I was otherwise a sharp
kid, when I was growing up in suburban
New Jersey in the ‘80s and ‘90s, I latched
onto these classic cartoon love stories—
Cinderella and her doting prince; Snow
White and the seven dwarfs plus the
doting prince; and, in The Little Mermaid,
Ariel and her ... doting prince—as truth,
not fantasy. I wonder if my relentless
attachment to these lovestruck animations
was my personal antidote to dealing with
my parents’ pattern of getting married then
divorced then married then divorced then
married again, all before I was 11. It wasn’t
until I was older, snarkier, gayer, and began
to question assumptions that I realized that
the heteronormative world of make-believe
in which so-called unconditional love
overrode personal identity (Ariel literally
gave up her mermaid life to follow a boy she
barely knew) was about as realistic as Snow
White’s bodily proportions.
Like most 20-somethings, I learned
the hard way that relationships were
hopeless unless each person was bringing
to the table a willingness to occasionally
be uncomfortable (showing up in conflict
demands as much), a commitment to
self-growth (which requires relentless
honesty), and a strong sense of autonomy
(co-dependents need not apply). In
my late 20s, I got into a truly beautiful
relationship with someone I wound
up marrying and partnering with for a
decade. The difference for us, as lesbians,
is that marriage equality was still a fight
then, so, at the beginning, it wasn’t
available with federal recognition. We got
married when we were able to, partly as
a political statement, and partly because
we really loved each other and wanted to
be counted. Our marriage took place on a
Friday morning at City Hall in Manhattan
(one of our two witnesses wore her best
Chuck Taylor’s) and culminated in eating
vegan Chinese food on Mulberry Street.So you got married, and it didn’t take. A divorce does not
mean you’ve failed at anything; it just means it
wasn’t the right fit. For many, the second
time’s the charm.Heartbreak hotel
It was a perfect day, but not a perfect
marriage; unlike Snow White and Prince
Charming’s, there is no such thing.
Relationships are complicated, often
touching on those parts of us that were
damaged early on, and requiring a kind of
radical acceptance of the other mixed with
a deep understanding that the only way
a marriage can survive is if both parties
continue to grow together.Ultimately, and for reasons I continue
to unpack, my ex and I were no longer
moving in the same direction. So, as quickly
as we were the poster children for gay
marriage, we became the poster children
for gay divorce, and I moved clear across the
country in an attempt to heal. Geographical
solutions for the win.Vegans in Vegas
The last thing I expected the West Coast to
bring me was another chance at marriage,Second
Time Around