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According to a new report, adverse side

effects occurred in over 3,000 women

who used Botox last year—none of whom

seemed surprised.

—Crystal Lowery McKinney, Texas

Car commercials

grossly overestimate

how much time I

spend driving around

in the desert.

— @tastefactory

An Englishman, a

Frenchman, a Spaniard,

and a German are

watching a street

performer.

The performer

suddenly realizes that

these men have a poor

view, so he gets on a

small platform. “Can

you all see me now?”

he asks them.

They respond: “Yes.”

“Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

—justsomething.co

It’s a good thing snakes

and dogs don’t inter-

breed. Nobody wants

a loyal snake.

—Roy Blount, humorist

from garden & gun

Knowing that the pas-

tor enjoyed his drink, a

hotel owner offered

him a case of cherry

brandy for Christmas

in exchange for a free

ad in the church news-

letter. The pastor

agreed and ran this in

the next issue: “The

pastor would like to

thank Patrick Smith for

his kind gift of a crate of

fruit and for the spirit

in which it was given.”

—hotsermons.com

Whoever coined the

phrase “the pitter-

patter of little feet”

clearly never heard a

four-year-old walk.

— @MYMOMOLOGUE

AN ENGLISH MAJOR

WALKS INTO A BAR ...

✦Two quotation marks

walk into a “bar.”

✦A malapropism walks

into a bar, looking for all

intensive purposes like

a wolf in cheap clothing,

muttering epitaphs.

✦Hyperbole totally

rips into this insane bar

and absolutely destroys

everything.

✦A non sequitur walks

into a bar. In a strong

wind, even turkeys

can fly.

✦A mixed metaphor

walks into a bar, seeing

the handwriting on the

wall but hoping to nip it

in the bud.

✦A cliché walks into a

bar—fresh as a daisy, cute

as a button, and sharp

as a tack.

✦A synonym strolls into

a tavern.

—bluebirdofbitterness.com

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