Remember: feelings never last. That’s why you start small. Just put on your
gym shoes today, Feeling Brain. That’s all. Let’s just see what happens.^30
If the Feeling Brain’s response is negative, you simply acknowledge that
negative emotion and offer another compromise. See how the Feeling Brain
responds. Then rinse and repeat.
But whatever you do, do not fight the Feeling Brain. That just makes
things worse. For one, you won’t win, ever. The Feeling Brain is always
driving. Second, fighting with the Feeling Brain about feeling bad will only
cause the Feeling Brain to feel even worse. So, why would you do that? You
were supposed to be the smart one, Thinking Brain.
This dialogue with your Feeling Brain will continue back and forth like
this, on and off, for days, weeks, or maybe even months. Hell, years. This
dialogue between the brains takes practice. For some, the practice will be
recognizing what emotion the Feeling Brain is putting out there. Some
people’s Thinking Brains have ignored their Feeling Brains for so long that it
takes them a while to learn how to listen again.
Others will have the opposite problem: They will have to train their
Thinking Brain to speak up, force it to propose an independent thought (a new
direction) that’s separate from the Feeling Brain’s feelings. They will have to
ask themselves, what if my Feeling Brain is wrong to feel this way? and then
consider the alternatives. This will be difficult for them at first. But the more
this dialogue occurs, the more the two brains will begin to listen to each other.
The Feeling Brain will start giving off different emotions, and the Thinking
Brain will have a better understanding of how to help the Feeling Brain
navigate the road of life.
This is what’s referred to in psychology as “emotional regulation,” and it’s
basically learning how to put a bunch of fucking guardrails and One Way
signs along your road of life to keep your Feeling Brain from careening off a
cliff.^31 It’s hard work, but it’s arguably the only work.
Because you don’t get to control your feelings, Thinking Brain. Self-
control is an illusion. It’s an illusion that occurs when both brains are aligned
and pursuing the same course of action. It’s an illusion designed to give
people hope. And when the Thinking Brain isn’t aligned with the Feeling
Brain, people feel powerless, and the world around them begins to feel
hopeless. The only way you consistently nail that illusion is by consistently
communicating and aligning the brains around the same values. It’s a skill,
much the same as playing water polo or juggling knives is a skill. It takes
work. And there will be failures along the way. You might slice your arm
open and bleed everywhere. But that’s just the cost of admission.