These recent feelings about my marriage come from:
(check all that apply)
The way I was treated in my family growing up
A previous relationship
Past injuries, hard times, or traumas I've suffered
My basic fears and insecurities
Things and events have not yet resolved or put aside
Unrealized hopes I have
Ways other people treated me in the past
Things I have always thought about myself
_ Old "nightmares" or "catastrophes" I have worried about
After you've read each other's answers above, you will, I hope,
come to see that many of your differences are really not matters of
"fact." We are all complicated creatures whose actions and reactions
are governed by a wide array of perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and
memories. In other words, reality is subjective, which is why your
partner's perspective on the past week may be different from yours
without either of you being right or wrong about what really
happened. In your notebook, write out a short description of your
point of view, and then do the same for your partner's perspective.
It's natural to make the fundamental error of assuming that
distance and loneliness are all your partner's fault. In truth they're
nobody's fault. In order to break the pattern, you both need to admit
playing some roe (however slight at first) in creating the problem. To
do that, read the following list and circle all that apply to you and
that may have contributed to the turning away or the feelings of
being swamped and smothered recently.
(Do not try to do this until you have calmed down physiologically.
Follow the steps for self-soothing on page 176 and then let go of
thoughts that maintain the distress, thoughts of feeling
misunderstood, righteous indignation, or innocent victimhood.)