they'll need to understand the deeper meaning that this battle has for
each of them. Only then will they be able to manage it effectively.
But for Rachel and Jason, disagreements over driving speeds
constitute a solvable problem. Every morning they commute together
from their suburban home to downtown Pittsburgh. She thinks he
drives too fast. He says he has to speed because she takes so long to
get ready If he doesn't make up for her dawdling by speeding, they'll
both be late to work. Rachel says it takes her so long in the morning
because he showers first and takes forever. Plus, he always leaves the
breakfast dishes on the table. While she's busy washing them, he's
honking the horn for her to hurry. Every workday starts with
accusations and counter accusations about showering time and
household chores. By the time Jason drops Rachel off at her office,
he's stonewalling and she's fighting back tears.
This couple's difficulty over driving is a solvable problem
because, for starters, it is situational--it occurs only when they are
going to work, and it doesn't reverberate into other areas of their
lives. Unlike Eleanor and Clan, they don't vilify each other. Their
arguments aren't about his selfishness or her being distrustful-they're
simply about driving and their morning routine. By learning a more
effective way to talk with each other about the issue, they could
readily find a compromise. They could put blame aside and work out
a schedule that got them to work on time, without passing the speed
limit. Maybe they could set their alarm fifteen minutes earlier, or she
could shower first, or he could just remember to deal with the dishes.
However, if they don't work to find a compromise on this issue,
it's likely that they will become increasingly resentful and entrenched
in their positions. The conflict could deepen and take on more
symbolic meaning. In other words, it could evolve into a gridlocked,
perpetual problem.
Below I've described various scenarios of marital conflict. For
each one, mark whether you think it's solvable or perpetual.
- Cliff and Lynn agree that it's Cliff's job to take out the kitchen trash
every evening after dinner. But lately he's been so distracted by a big
deadline looming at work that he forgets. Either Lynn ends up