But first, some overall advice. The basis for coping effectively with
either kind of problem is the same: communicating basic acceptance
of your partner's personality Human nature dictates that it is
virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel
that that person understands you. So the bottom-line rule is that,
before you ask your partner to change the way he or she drives, eats,
or makes love, you must make your partner feel that you are
understanding.
If either (or both) of you feels judged, misunderstood, or
rejected by the other, you will not be able to manage the problems in
your marriage. This holds for big problems and small ones.
You may discover that your partner is more You may discover that your partner is more You may discover that your partner is more You may discover that your partner is more
conciliatory during arguments than you realizedconciliatory during arguments than you realizedconciliatory during arguments than you realizedconciliatory during arguments than you realized----
once you know what to listen for.once you know what to listen for.once you know what to listen for. once you know what to listen for.It's probably easiest to acknowledge this truth if you think
about it from your own perspective. Say you want your spouse's
advice on handling a disagreement you're having with your boss. If
your spouse immediately begins criticizing you and insisting that
your boss is right, you're wrong, and what's the matter with you for
picking a fight with your boss anyway, you'd probably regret having
brought it up. Most likely you'd get defensive, angry, offended, hurt,
or any combination of these. And yet your spouse might honestly
say, "But I was only trying to help." There's a big difference between
"You are such a lousy driver. Would you please slow down before
you kill us?" and "I know how much you enjoy driving fast. But it
makes me really nervous when you go over the speed limit. Could
you please slow down?"
Maybe that second approach takes a bit longer. But that extra
time is worth it since it is the only approach that works. It's just a fact
that people can change only if they feel that they are basically liked
and accepted as they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, and
unappreciated they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under
siege and dig in to protect themselves.
Adults could learn something in this regard from research into
child development. We now know that the key to instilling in