couples. Plenty of the people we studied who had enviable, loving
relationships did not follow the experts' rules of communication
when they argued. But they were still able to resolve their conflicts.
By studying intently what these couples did do, I have come up
with a new model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship. My
fifth principle entails the following steps:
- Soften your startup
- Learn to make and receive repair attempts
- Soothe yourself and each other
- Compromise
- Be tolerant of each other's faults
These steps take very little "training" because we all pretty
much have these skills already; we just get out of the habit of using
them in our most intimate relationship. To a certain degree, my fifth
principle comes down to having good manners. It means treating
your spouse with the same respect you offer to company. If a guest
leaves an umbrella, we say, "Here. You forgot your umbrella." We
would never think of saying, "What's wrong with you? You are
constantly forgetting things. Be a little more thoughtful, for God's
sake! What am I, your slave to go picking up after you?" We are
sensitive to the guest's feelings, even if things don't go so well. When
a guest spills wine, we say, "No problem. Would you like another
glass?" not, "You just ruined my best tablecloth. I can't depend on you
to do anything right, can I? I will never invite you to my home again."
Remember Dr. Rory, who was so nasty to his wife during their
Christmas Day picnic at the hospital? When a resident phoned, he
was very pleasant to him. This is not an infrequent phenomenon. In
the midst of a bitter dispute, the husband or wife picks up a ringing
telephone and is suddenly all smiles: "Oh, hi. Yes, it would be great
to have lunch. No problem, Tuesday would be fine. Oh, I am so sorry
to hear that you didn't get the job. You must feel so disappointed,"
and so on. Suddenly the angry, rigid spouse has been transformed
into a flexible, rational, understanding, and compassionate being-
until the phone call is over. Then he or she just as suddenly morphs