see how all of these steps combine to create a softened startup,
compare what Iris says in the following two dialogues:
Harsh Startup
Iris: Another Saturday, and once again I'm spending my free time
picking up after you. The trouble with you, Richard, is that...
(Criticism, blame)
Richard: Yep, here we go again. "The trouble with you, Richard, the
trouble with you, Richard." There's nothing wrong with me!
Iris: Then why do I always have to tell you what to do? Never mind,
I've finished cleaning up your stuff anyway, or were you too
busy reading the Sunday paper to notice? (Contempt)
Richard: Look, I hate cleaning up. I know you do, too. I've been
thinking about what we should do. (Repair attempt)
Iris: This I've got to hear. (More contempt)
Richard: Well, actually I was thinking that we could use a vacation.
Wouldn't it be nice for you to be waited on hand and foot? (Second
repair attempt)
Iris: Come on, we can't afford a cleaning lady, much less a vacation
like that.
Softened Startup
Iris: This house is an incredible mess, and we're having company
tonight. (Describing) I am really upset that I am doing all this
cleaning, alone, on a Saturday. ("I" statement) Come on, please
help me. Maybe you could do the vacuuming? (Being clear)
Richard: All right. I hate cleaning up, but I guess vacuuming is the
best of the worst. I'll do the bathrooms, too.
Iris: That'd be a big help. (Appreciation) Thank you. (Politeness)
Richard: When we're done, we deserve a reward--let's go out for
lunch.
Iris: Okay