- I can't calm down very easily during an argument. T F
- My partner has a long list of unreasonable demands. T F
Scoring: Give yourself one point for each "true" answer.
Below 6: This is an area of strength in your marriage. You are
able to confront differences of opinion with your spouse without
feeling overwhelmed. This means that you are not feeling victimized
or hostile toward your spouse during disagreements. That's good
news since it indicates that you are able to communicate with each
other without negativity getting out of hand. As a result, you're
better able to resolve conflicts (and avoid gridlock over issues that are
un resolvable).
6 or above: Your marriage could stand some improvement in
this area. Your score suggests that you tend to get flooded during
arguments with your spouse. When this occurs, any likelihood that
the problem can be resolved ceases. You are feeling too agitated to
really hear what your spouse is saying or to learn any helpful
conflict-resolution skills. Read on to find out how to cope with this
problem.
Exercise 2: Self-SoothingThe first step is to stop the discussion. If you keep going, you'll find
yourself exploding at your spouse or imploding (stonewalling),
neither of which will get you anywhere other than one step farther
down the marital cascades that lead to divorce. The only reasonable
strategy, therefore, is to let your spouse know that you're feeling
flooded and need to take a break. That break should last at least
twenty minutes, since it will be that long before your body calms
down. It's crucial that during this time you avoid thoughts of
righteous indignation and innocent victim hood. Spend your time
doing something soothing and distracting, like listening to music or
exercising.
Many people find that the best approach to self-soothing is to
focus on calming the body through a meditative technique. Here's a
simple one:
- Sit in a comfortable chair, or lie on your back on the floor.