It is harder for a manIt is harder for a manIt is harder for a manIt is harder for a man’’’’s body to calm downs body to calm downs body to calm downs body to calm down
after an argument than aafter an argument than aafter an argument than aafter an argument than a womanwomanwomanwoman’’’’s.s.s.s.In less stable marriages, however, conflict discussions can lead
to the opposite reaction—they can trigger flooding. When this occurs,
you feel overwhelmed both emotionally and physically. Most likely
you think thoughts of righteous indignation (“I don’t have to take
this anymore”) or innocent victim hood (“Why is she always picking
on me?”). Meanwhile, your body is in distress. Usually your heart is
pounding, you’re sweating, you’re holding your breath.
I have found that in the vast majority of cases, when one spouse
does not “get” the other’s repair attempt, it’s because the listener is
flooded and therefore can’t really hear what the spouse is saying.
When you’re in this condition, the most thoughtful repair attempt in
the world won’t benefit your marriage.
Flooding QuestionnaireTo discover whether flooding is a significant problem in your
relationship, answer the following questions:
Read each statement and circle T for "true" or F for "false."
- Our discussions get too heated. T F
- have a hard time calming down. T F
- One of us is going to say something we will regret. T F
- My partner gets too upset. T F
- After a fight want to keep my distance. T F
- My partner yells unnecessarily T F
- I feel overwhelmed by our arguments, T F
- I can't think straight when my partner gets hostile. T F
- Why can't we talk more logically? T F
- My partner's negativity often comes out of nowhere. T F
11.There's often no stopping my partner's temper. T F - I feel like running away during our fights, T F
- Small issues suddenly become big ones. T F