script in which you have your spouse tighten and relax different
muscle groups and then visualize a calm, beautiful scene that brings
him or her pleasure. You can tape-record your rendition for future
use--perhaps give it to your spouse as a special gift. You don't need
to wait for a tense situation to use this exercise. Soothing each other
regularly is a wonderful way to prevent future flooding and
generally enrich your marriage.
Step 4: compromiseLike it or not, the only solution to marital problems is to find a
compromise. In an intimate, loving relationship it just doesn't work
for either of you to get things all your way, even if you're convinced
that you're right. This approach would create such inequity and
unfairness that the marriage would suffer.
Usually, though both partners do make an earnest effort to
compromise on issues, they fail because they go about trying to
compromise in the wrong way. Negotiation is possible only after
you've followed the steps above--softening startup, repairing your
discussion, and keeping calm. These prime you for compromise by
getting you into a positive mode.
Before you try to resolve a conflict, remember that the
cornerstone of any compromise is the fourth principle of marriage-
accepting influence. This means that for a compromise to work, you
can't have a closed mind to your spouse's opinions and desires. You
don't have to agree with everything your spouse says or believes, but
you have to be honestly open to considering his or her position.
That's what accepting influence is really all about. If you find
yourself sitting with your arms folded and shaking your head no (or
just thinking it) when your spouse is trying to talk out a problem
with you, your discussion will never get anywhere.
As I've said, men have a harder time accepting influence from
their wives than vice versa. But whatever your gender, an inability to
be open minded is a real liability when it comes to conflict resolution.
So if you haven't already, work through the exercises in Chapter 6.
Realize that it may take time and continued self-awareness to break