end the conversation, hopeful that they will miraculously understand
each other's desires without much talk. They rarely say things like "I
love it when you stroke my breasts for a long time the way you did
last night," or "I really need you every day," or "Mornings are my
favorite times for making love," and so on. The problem is that the
less clear you are about what you do and don't want, the less likely
you are to get it. Sex can be such a fun way to share with each other
and deepen your sense of intimacy. But when communication is
fraught with tension, then frustration and hurt feelings too often
result.
Solution Learn to talk to each other about sex in a way that lets you
both feel safe. That means learning the right way to ask for what you
want, and the appropriate way to react to your spouse's requests.
Because most people feel so vulnerable about whether they are
attractive to their spouse and a "good" lover, the key to talking about
sex is to be gentle. A lovemaking session that starts with one partner
criticizing the other is going to end faster than a "quickie." The goal of
sex is to be closer, to have more fun, to feel satisfied, and to feel
valued and accepted in this very tender area of your marriage.
Nothing is guaranteed to make your spouse want to touch you less
than if you say, "You never touch me." It's better to say, "I loved when
we kissed last weekend on the big couch. I'd love more of that, it
makes me feel so good." Likewise, instead of "Don't touch me there,"
you'll get a better response if you say, "It feels extra good when you
touch me here." When you talk to your partner about sex, your
attitude should always be that you are making a very good thing
even better. Even if you aren't satisfied with your current sex life, you
need to accentuate the positive.
If you are on the receiving end of your partner's request, try
very hard not to see it as an implied criticism of your attractiveness,
sexual virility, lovemaking skill, or innermost being. Try to have the
same attitude as a professional cook. A chef isn't insulted if a
customer isn't in the mood for polenta tonight or has an aversion to
squid. Instead he or she makes accommodations that will satisfy the
customer's palate.