marriages where the wife believes her husband is not doing his share.
The benefits to these marriages extend beyond the bedroom. In these
relationships the women also have significantly lower heart rates
during marital arguments, which means they are less likely to begin a
discussion harshly and so avoid triggering that whole downward
spiral of conflict involving the four horsemen and flooding that leads
to divorce.
I'm not suggesting that every husband must do a straight 50
percent of the housework if he wants to save his marriage and see his
sex life improve. The key is not the actual amount he does but his
wife's subjective view of whether it's enough. For one couple this
could indeed mean an even split of chores. But in another marriage
the wife may be just as satisfied if he takes care of some chores she
hates--like cleaning the bathroom or vacuuming--or even if he agrees
to budget for a weekly housekeeper to lighten both their loads.
The best way to figure out how much housework a husband
needs to do is for the couple to talk over the following list. By
itemizing exactly who does what, you'll finally have an objective
basis for determining who should do what.
Use the list to describe to each other first your perception of
how things are currently handled and then how you would like them
to be. This list extends beyond actual cleaning to other domestic
chores—like family finances and various aspects of child care--that
can also be causes of conflict if the distribution of labor is seen as
unfair.
You may find that certain patterns emerge. As I said, men often
believe that they are doing a larger share of domestic chores than is
actually the case. In many marriages the husband does more of the
"brute strength" tasks like washing the car or mowing the lawn, or
the abstract jobs like financial planning that don't have to be done on
a daily basis or on a strict timetable. The wife carries more than her
share of the mindless, daily drudge work--like cleaning and picking
up--which leaves her resentful.
ann
(Ann)
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