Deep issues like these are unlikely to be declawed in just one
session. But Jeff and Katherine made an important first step. They
turned toward each other and acknowledged with respect each
other's dreams for their child. They agreed to seek further counseling
to build on the success of the lab session. Will this issue ever go away
or be resolved in their marriage? Probably not. But they have begun
to learn to live with it peacefully.
If you've reached gridlock on any issue in your marriage, big or
small, the first step is to identify which dream or dreams are fueling
the conflict. One good indicator that you're wrestling with a hidden
dream is that you see your spouse as being the sole source of the
marital problem. If you find yourself saying, for example, that the
problem is simply that he is a slob or she is just irresponsible or
overly demanding, that's a sign of a hidden dream. It may indicate
that you don't see your part in creating the conflict because it has
been hidden from view.
Uncovering a hidden dream is a challenge. The dream is
unlikely to emerge until you feel that your marriage is a safe place to
talk about it. That's why it's important to begin by working on my
first three principles, outlined in Chapters 3, 4, and 5, in order to
strengthen your friendship with your mate.
Keep working on your un resolvable conflicts.Keep working on your un resolvable conflicts.Keep working on your un resolvable conflicts.Keep working on your un resolvable conflicts.
Couples who are demanding of their marriage areCouples who are demanding of their marriage areCouples who are demanding of their marriage are Couples who are demanding of their marriage are
more likely to havemore likely to havemore likely to have more likely to have deeply satisfying unions thandeeply satisfying unions thandeeply satisfying unions thandeeply satisfying unions than
those who lower tthose who lower tthose who lower tthose who lower their expectations.heir expectations.heir expectations.heir expectations.You may find that when you first begin to recognize and
acknowledge your dreams, the problem between you and your
spouse seems to get worse rather than better. Be patient.
Acknowledging and advocating for your dreams in a marriage is not
easy The very nature of gridlock means that your dream and your
spouse's appear to be in opposition, so you've both become deeply
entrenched in your positions and fear accepting each other's
influence and yielding.
Once you're ready to overcome gridlock, here's how to proceed.