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pound, but real-life romance is fueled by a far more humdrum
approach to staying connected. It is kept alive each time you let your
spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.
Comical as it may sound, romance actually grows when a couple are
in the supermarket and the wife says, "Are we out of bleach?" and the
husband says, "I don't know. Let me go get some just in case," instead
of shrugging apathetically. It grows when you know your spouse is
having a bad day at work and you take sixty seconds out of your
own workday to leave words of encouragement on his voice mail. It
grows when your wife tells you one morning, "I had the worst
nightmare last night," and you say, "I'm in a big hurry, but tell me
about it now so we can talk about it tonight," instead of "I don't have
time." In all of these instances husband and wife are making a choice
to turn toward each other rather than away In marriage people
periodically make what I call "bids" for their partner's attention,
affection, humor, or support. People either turn toward one another
after these bids or they turn away. Turning toward is the basis of
emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good sex life.
So in the Love Lab my favorite scenes are the very ones that
any Hollywood film editor would relegate to the cutting room floor. I
know there's deep drama in the little moments: Will they read the
Sunday paper together or silently alone? Will they chat while they eat
lunch? Watching them is suspenseful because I know: Couples who
turn toward each other remain emotionally engaged and stay
married. Those that don't eventually lose their way.
The reason for the differing outcome of these marriages is what
I've come to call the couple's emotional bank account. Partners who
characteristically turn toward each other rather than away are
putting money in the bank. They are building up emotional savings
that can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they're faced
with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored up all of
this goodwill, they are better able to make allowances for each other
when a conflict arises. They can maintain a positive sense of each
other and their marriage even during hard times.