up, even if he says he’s ɹne. As evidence, you can point to the
friend’s body language and facial expressions—the drooping
shoulders, the lowered head, the downcast face. By helping your
son make these simple observations you’ll increase his mindsight,
and for the rest of his life he’ll be better equipped to read others
and tune in to their feelings.
Repair: Teach Kids to Make Things Right After a Conflict
We know the importance of apologizing, and we teach our children
to say they’re sorry. But kids also need to realize that at times,
that’s only the beginning. Sometimes they need to take steps to
right whatever they’ve done wrong.
The situation might call for a speciɹc, direct response: repairing
or replacing a broken toy, or helping to rebuild some sort of
project. Or a more relational response might be warranted, like
drawing the other person a picture, performing an act of kindness,
or writing a letter of apology. The point is that you’re helping your
kids demonstrate acts of love and contrition that show they’ve
thought about another’s feelings and want to ɹnd a way to repair
the rupture in the relationship.
This connects directly to the two whole-brain strategies above,
about empathy and attuning to others’ feelings. To sincerely want
to make things right, a child must understand how the other person
is feeling and why that person is upset. Then the parent can more
proɹtably bring up the question “If it were you and your favorite
thing were broken, what would help you feel better?” Each new
movement toward considering someone else’s feelings creates
stronger connections in the relational circuitry of the brain. When
we break through our children’s defensiveness and their reluctance
to accept responsibility, we can help them be thoughtful about
others they’ve hurt, and make an eʃort toward reconnection. We