The Whole-Brain Child

help them develop mindsight. Sometimes a sincere apology is
enough, especially when combined with honesty and sincerity: “I
did that because I was feeling jealous, and I’m sorry.” But kids also
need to learn what it means to go the extra mile and take speciɹc
steps toward reconciliation.
Let’s return to Colin, the seven-year-old whose parents felt he
was too selɹsh. We wish we could oʃer Ron and Sandy some sort
of magic bullet, a cure-all for egocentrism and other developmental
frustrations they encounter with their son. But obviously we can’t.
The good news, though, is that simply by loving Colin and helping
him see the beneɹts of relationships—beginning with his
interactions with his parents and brother—Ron and Sandy are
already helping him understand the importance of considering and
connecting with others.
Beyond that, by emphasizing the “connection through conɻict”
skills we’re discussing here, they can help him continue moving
toward considering the feelings of others. For example, when Colin
redecorated his room and removed his brother’s belongings, this
presented a teachable moment, which his parents could use to help
Colin learn a lot about being in relationship. Too often we forget
that “discipline” really means “to teach”—not “to punish.” A
disciple is a student, not a recipient of behavioral consequences.
When we teach mindsight, we take moments of conɻict and
transform them into opportunities for learning, skill building, and
brain development.
In that moment, Ron could ask Colin to look at his brother,
crying as he picked up and straightened out his various paintings,
and notice the nonverbal evidence of how hurt Logan was. This
could lead to a thoughtful discussion about how Logan viewed the
scene—the crumpled paintings, the thrown-aside trophies. Simply
getting Colin to actually see Logan’s perspective would be a pretty
big breakthrough with long-lasting beneɹts. A mere time-out might