The Whole-Brain Child

Based on our knowledge of the two sides of the brain, we know
that Tina’s son was experiencing big waves of right-brain emotions
without much left-brain logical balance. At a moment like this, one
of the least effective things Tina could do would be to jump right in
and defend herself (“Of course I do nice things for you!”) or to
argue with her son about his faulty logic (“There’s nothing I can do
about making your birthday come sooner. As for the homework,
that’s just something that you’ve got to do”). This type of left-
brain, logical response would hit an unreceptive right-brain brick
wall and create a gulf between them. After all, his logical left brain
was nowhere to be found at that moment. So, had Tina responded
with her left, her son would have felt like she didn’t understand
him or care about his feelings. He was in a right-brain, nonrational,
emotional ɻood, and a left-brain response would have been a lose-
lose approach.
Even though it was practically automatic (and very tempting) to
ask him “What are you talking about?” or to tell him to go back to
bed immediately, Tina stopped herself. Instead she used the
connect-and-redirect technique. She pulled him close, rubbed his
back, and with a nurturing tone of voice, said, “Sometimes it’s just
really hard, isn’t it? I would never forget about you. You are
always in my mind, and I always want you to know how special
you are to me.” She held him while he explained that he sometimes
feels that his younger brother gets more of her attention, and that
homework takes too much of his free time. As he spoke, she could
feel him relax and soften. He felt heard and cared for. Then she
brieɻy addressed the speciɹc issues he had brought up, since he
was now more receptive to problem solving and planning, and they
agreed to talk more in the morning.
In a moment like this, parents wonder whether their child is
really in need or just trying to stall bedtime. Whole-brain parenting
doesn’t mean letting yourself be manipulated or reinforcing bad