THEIR APPROVAL
Children who are raised by parents who sidestep their authenticity,
camouflaging their true feelings for the sake of fitting in, learn to
emulate this phony way of living. Watching us alter ourselves to gain the
approval of others, they become pleasers, catering to the needs of others
for the sake of approval.
When our children see us place the needs of others before our own,
they learn that they are to value others more than themselves. Because
they are highly oriented toward relationships, they also base their sense
of identity on their relationships. But beneath such inauthentic service of
others lies a simmering resentment, since no one can sustain such giving
unless they have first given to themselves.
When we please others to gain their approval, we may also begin to
please our children. Seeking their approval, we cater inordinately to their
needs instead of teaching them to take care of their own needs.
Overindulging them, we send a message that it’s okay to take advantage
of us. Out of our own low sense of worth, we allow them to imagine
themselves the center of our world, which is an emotionally unhealthy,
obsessive way of attempting to assuage our own lack. It’s also a recipe
for bringing up narcissists who imagine the world revolves around them.
When we are unable to create healthy boundaries for ourselves, our
children learn to disrespect the boundaries of others. Observing us fail to
claim ownership of our space and our needs, they come to believe their
space and their needs are more important than those of others. Because
we constantly give to them without saying “no” when appropriate, they
fail to learn the importance of accepting that life itself sometimes says