JUST BE THERE
Many of us find ourselves taxed when our children act out. What we
don’t realize is that at the root of a child’s acting out is an emotion that
was never expressed, instead becoming split off from consciousness. If
for no other reason than that it’s to our advantage to encourage our
children to own their emotions and have them validated, we are wise to
encourage them to feel all their emotions and find appropriate ways to
channel them. I emphasize the word “appropriate” because we have every
right to dislike how our children sometimes express their emotions, and
we can help them modify their means of expression. Just because we
understand our child is angry doesn’t mean we need to allow them to hit
us or break things.
I recognize that this simple act of bearing witness to our children’s
emotional states can be extremely challenging for us. We are so heavily
invested in our children, determined that they not mess up but become a
success, that in our desire to be “good” parents, we find it difficult to just
be with our children in their as is state, allowing whatever is happening
to exist.
Imagine you are talking with your best friend about a moment in your
life. Every time you open your mouth to share an opinion, thought, or
feeling, your friend jumps in and comments. Though what’s said is well-
intentioned, their repeated statements of “I think,” “I feel,” “I believe”—
or, God forbid, “You should” or “I would”— lead to us feeling
frustrated. Wouldn’t you feel like yelling, “Will you just shut up and
listen?” Well, this is exactly how our children feel— and definitely what