The Conscious Parent

respect it, they grow up thinking it’s okay to walk all over another
human being. The consequence is that we end up raising narcissistic
children who don’t know how to be empathic toward others. Unable to
maintain friendships, they are often isolated by their peers.
Flexible rules are all the rules that make no real difference to a child’s
sense of wellbeing or health. Once the main rules have been laid down,
both parent and child need to contribute to the list of flexible rules,
which can be discussed and mutually agreed upon. Our children need to
be allowed to say “no” to us in an ever-flowing dialogue in which two
spirits exchange views. When our children see us use our power to lay
down the main rules, but also see our willingness to give up power so
that they can flex their full personhood, behavioral shaping becomes a
truly spiritual exchange between parent and child.
More than the main rules, it’s the flexible rules that teach our children
important life lessons because they provide them with an opportunity to
express their opinion. Our children learn there’s give and take in
relationships, and that matters can be negotiated—a vital skill for
functioning effectively in the adult world. Flexible rules might cover
what clothes to wear, food to eat, interests and hobbies to pursue, books
to read or movies to watch, friendships to keep, and how free time is
spent. Through a healthy balance of main and flexible rules, our children
learn how to have appropriate boundaries as well as a respect for
dialogue with another.
As children grow to be teens, they need to know they are allowed to
wear what they please (unless it crosses the line into the space where it
violates their sense of wellbeing and safety), express their interests and