truth.” Invested in being “the parent,” he was coming entirely from fear.
When I was able to demonstrate to the father that their relationship had
lost its human element and its ability to be nurturing, he began to see the
importance of moving away from the linear dynamic he was caught in.
By spending quality time with his daughter, he was able to forge an
alliance with her. Realizing that without a strong alliance between them,
discipline would only tear them apart, he began to resist going into
“parent” mode, instead befriending his daughter. Within weeks of
showing interest in her as a person, her behavior took a decided turn for
the better. Becoming more pleasant and engaging, she now lied less often
—all because she felt nurtured. There can be no behavior modification
without a relationship.
Whenever you find yourself repeating a dynamic without results, it’s
time to stop and ask, “What am I doing that simply isn’t working?” The
answer will usually lie in the fact that you have become mired in a way
of looking at your child that’s unhealthy for both of you. When you
change your approach, the dynamic changes. The question is: Are you
willing to change your approach?HOW TO EXECUTE THE “NO”
None of us enjoys being told “no.” One reason for this is that for many of
us, the word “no” is associated with threatening messages from our own
past. It may evoke memories of a harsh and punitive parent or of a
childhood robbed of empowerment.
Even though we are now adults, sometimes when we are told “no,” we
wish we could kick like a two-year-old, hurl our pacifier at the world, or