The Conscious Parent

emphasize that no one could evoke such emotions in us were they not
already part of our shadow. Not realizing this, we seek to ease our
discomfort at having to confront our shadow by projecting these
emotions onto the other. We then see them as the villain in the situation.
So afraid are we to face our suppressed emotions that whenever we
recognize such emotions in another, we experience hatred, which leads to
defiance, victimizing, and in some cases the killing of the individual.
Why do parents and children tend to clash once the teen years hit?
Why do marriages fall apart? Why do people exhibit racism or commit
hate crimes? These things occur when we are split off from our own
shadow, our inner pain. For example, if we were bullied as a child, unless
we have resolved our own pain, we will be unable to tolerate our
children’s pain when they are bullied. In such a situation, we are likely to
foster in our children either an inability to handle their emotions, or a
belief that under no circumstance must they ever portray themselves as
vulnerable. Believing they must appear powerful and in control, they
learn to be macho even if they don’t feel strong. In countless subtle
ways, our own issues around power and control are imposed on our
children.
When people and circumstances press our buttons, we can easily begin
to believe that life is against us. We adopt a life script of martyrdom,
imagining that life “has it in for us” or is “cheating” us in some way,
even though life is simply neutral. We may begin to believe that life
always deals us a cruel hand.
The reality is that there is no enemy “out there.” The person who
triggers a reaction in us is just being a person, the situation just a