True empathetic statements are not generated from the head but from
the heart! Every so often we have heard parents say, “Bummer for you,”
with such callousness that it would freeze a river in summer. For
example, Robert failed a test due to not studying. His mom, just learning
the Love and Logic principle of not owning or solving another’s problem,
says, “Too bad for you that you didn’t put more effort into studying for
that test,” and experiences a wisp of cold from her son that cuts her heart
like the breeze off ice in winter. Another mom, following the same
reasoning, puts her arm around her son’s shoulder and says, “Honey, it’s
hard to study when it seems that other things are more important, isn’t
it?” and the sun seems to come out from behind the clouds to melt the
frost on the windows.
The delivery, and the heart behind it, can make all the difference in the
world.
Using consequences as threats rather than a logical outcome of their
actions.
Sometimes when a consequence is uttered as a threat, it’s pretty obvious:
“Gavin, if you can’t sit still, I am going to send you to your room!”
Perhaps the threat is still obvious when a parent says, “If you don’t know
how to behave properly, I don’t want you around me at all.”
It’s a happier child and parent when the adults impose consequences to
take care of themselves. The child is still offered choices: “Ethan, when
you act like that it really hurts my eyes and my ears. Where else would
you feel comfortable doing that?”
Giving choices that do not give reasonable or acceptable alternatives.
Some choices just aren’t good, honest, and true choices. Spencer was
giving Lauren a really hard time in the backseat, when their mom, having
had it with Spencer, from behind the steering wheel said, “Spencer, when
I pull over, do you want me to allow Lauren to hit you, or do you want me
to smack you myself?”
Love and Logic parents give their children choices within acceptable