tolerance, and by the time we say “Adios” to our child, we may be
angry rather than effective.Third, we may confuse anger with firmness. Firm people may be
loud, or may even use a little physical pressure, but firm, I-mean-
business people don’t yell and scream, and they seldom show
frustration.Here are nine rules that apply particularly to controlling an out-of-
control kindergartner or first-grader:
- Avoid all physical tussles. For instance, small mothers should not
try to maneuver big children to their rooms. - Use orders sparingly. Never give a child an order you cannot make
him or her follow. - Tell your child what you wish he or she would do rather than
giving an order. - Give a complete “I message”: “I would appreciate your going to
your room now so I can feel better about you and me.” (“I messages”
tell why you feel that way.) - Sometimes when a request is given, it is wise to thank the child in
advance, anticipating compliance. - When the child is in a good mood, talk things over, exploring his
or her feelings and laying down expectations for the future. - Use isolation or a change of location for behavior problems rather
than trying to stop the behavior. - When things are done right, be emotional. When things are done
poorly, be nonemotional, matter-of-fact, and consequential. - If you cannot deal with the situation on your own immediately,
delay the consequences and recruit ideas and reinforcements from
others. Then use your time to find a solution that will both be
effective and fit the crime. Some people wrongly concern
themselves with the possibility of the child forgetting what he or she
has done. This is usually not a problem. The ultimate value of