Based upon this false idea, Jen imposes consequences that must be
upheld when her daughter is at Dan’s house. This gives Dan both the
opportunity and the power to rescind the punishment and place himself in
the role of Nicole’s hero.
Jen’s primary mistake is believing that she can make both homes work
the same. This is one of the tragedies of divorce. All the energy she uses
trying to make this happen is energy that can be spent on things she can
actually control. Another mistake is trying to reason with Dan about this
problem. Her discussions with Dan only give him yet another opportunity
to attack her parenting attempts, and the worse the problem gets.
Jen’s Solution: Once Jen realizes that Dan won’t support her rules and
consequences for Nicole, she can quit asking him for something he is
unable or unwilling to give. This means she will start imposing
consequences that are carried out only during the time in which Nicole is
staying at her home. This puts her back in control and reduces some of
her disappointment and resulting anger over not being supported. She
needs to practice the following statement and use it often:
Dan, in the past I have made the mistake of trying to make your
home run like my home. I promise not to do that anymore. I won’t
tell you how to handle Nicole when she is with you. If I see her
needing discipline when she is with me, I’ll handle it here without
asking you to deal with it while she’s at your place. And you are
welcome to do the same.Her next step is to share her love and her thoughts with Nicole.
Because their relationship is strained, it is unlikely that Mom can get all
of her thoughts out without facing a counterattack. Teens are experts at
arguing each point until what starts out as a discussion soon becomes a
fight.
The solution is for Jen to put her thoughts in writing. Notice how her
letter begins with a wonderful attention-getting strategy.
Dear Nicole,