nonetheless. Her parents asked such things as, “Do you want to
wear your coat today, or do you want to carry it?”
Brady picked up messages, too, but those messages told him
he was not measuring up to parental expectations. The
messages he heard said, “We could have a lot more love for you
if you would just do better.” Brady was never allowed to decide
anything. When it came time to put on his coat, his parents said,
“You get that coat on. You’re not going out without it.”
On that first day of school, Elena had very few doubts about
her ability, but Brady was filled with questions, misgivings, and
a lack of confidence. When the first assignment sheet was
passed out, Elena jumped right on it and gave it her best shot.
But Brady held back. He stalled. He needed encouragement. A
voice inside his head said, “You may not do as well as the
others. Watch out! You’re going to be hurt.” Brady didn’t want
to look bad, so he avoided completing — or even starting — his
work.
By sixth grade, Elena will probably have continued in
success, every small victory building on an already healthy
self-concept. But Brady will probably be apathetic, avoiding all
challenges and making life miserable for his parents and
teachers.
Building a child’s self-concept begins at home, and it begins
from the moment of birth.Leg One: I Am Loved by the “Magical People” in My Life
The best kind of love is the love that comes with no strings attached. Our
love for our children must never be conditional. This is not easy, but the
benefits are enormous. Genuine love must be shown regardless of the
kids’ accomplishments. That does not mean, however, that we approve of
all their actions.
All too often, parents don’t give their kids the chance to experience
their love. Some withhold love as a way of making children behave better