uptight if our children don’t always listen to us, but tremble in fear that
they see what we do.
LOVE AND LOGIC TIP 6
Messages That Lock In LoveA lot of bonding goes on between parents and children, especially
dads and boys when there is friendly wrestling, arm wrestling,
shoving, and playful punching. This physical contact between fathers
and sons can lock in messages such as, “We enjoy goofing around
together,” “You’re tough,” “You’re growing up,” and “You’re just
too strong for me anymore.”Kids are born with a great capacity to learn to do things the way big
people do. They observe and attempt to copy what they see. Their prime
interest is learning and doing things just like their parents do them. All
too often, however, parents discourage their kids with the model they
present.
Tyler sees his dad sweeping the garage. He grabs a little broom and
starts moving dirt around, imitating his father. Inside, Tyler is thinking, I
feel big. I am learning how to use the broom. I hope Dad notices.
Dad notices all right. He notices all the spots the little tyke is missing,
rather than appreciating the learning that is taking place. “Tyler!” he
says, his voice dripping with disapproval. “Look at the mess you’re
making! Please go play and let me finish this.”
If Dad pulls this once in a while (we all do), Tyler’s self-concept will
come out of it unscathed, but habitual discouragement will lead to a poor
self-concept in the child. He’ll stop trying to imitate responsible “adult”
behavior because he sees himself as incapable.
Parents who routinely focus on the end result rather than on the
learning taking place wind up with kids who have a negative self-concept
about their skills. Then parents wonder why their kids never want to help
around the house.