A parent can do a beautiful job of setting firm limits with an enforceable
statement, showing empathy at their child’s mistake, and turning the
problem back over to the child, and then completely destroy anything
positive the child can learn from the interaction by then getting dragged
into an argument with their kid. Consultant parents blow in, blow off, and
then blow out — they don’t blow up!
Our best advice for parents who have reached the blowing-up point is
to go completely brain-dead and return to their one-liners. Some of the
best are, “I love you too much to argue with you,” “I know,” and “Nice
try!” The conversation could go something like this:
JESSICA: “But Dad, that’s not fair!”
DAD: “I know.”
JESSICA: “But none of my friends would have to do anything like
that!”
DAD: “I know.”
JESSICA: “If that is the way you feel, then you just don’t love me!”
DAD: “Nice try! You know I will love you no matter what happens.”
JESSICA: “Ugh! I can’t talk to you! You are so five-minutes-ago!
None of my friends has a parent like you!”
DAD: “I know, it must be a bummer to have a father like me
sometimes, but you know what? I love you too much to argue with
you. We should discuss this when both of us are less emotional
about it.”The second point is that consequences can, and often should, be
delayed. There is nothing wrong with saying something like, “Uh-oh! I
am going to have to do something about that, but not right now. I am busy
with something else. I will get back to you on that. Try not to worry about
it.” This is especially good if you are in the car and truly can’t do
anything about it at the moment, if you are out in public, or if you simply
can’t think of anything to do about it. It is okay to take some time and
call a friend, teacher, advisor, or minister to get some good ideas about