want them to be so good at thinking, that they can face the bigger
problems and the daily hassles of life with competence and good sense.
So if we don’t order our kids around, how do we talk to them? How do
we set limits on their behavior without telling them what to do? Limits
are crucial to Love and Logic parenting. Our kids need the security in
which they can begin making those all-important decisions. They have to
know the boundaries.
Building Walls That Don’t Crumble
Imagine yourself plopped down on a chair in a strange, totally dark
environment. You can’t see your hand in front of your face. Your only
security is the chair. You don’t know if you’re on a cliff, in a cave, or in a
room. Eventually, you muster enough nerve to move away from the chair
and check your immediate surroundings. You find four solid walls. What
a relief! Now you feel safe enough to begin exploring the rest of the
room, knowing that you won’t fall off the edge. But what if the walls
crumbled when you tested them? You would move quickly back to your
chair for security. And there you would stay. Your entire environment is
mysterious and threatening.
Now imagine what it is like for newborn babies. They pop out of the
cozy, comfortable, familiar surroundings of the womb into a totally
unknown, alien world. They seek limits on their behavior; they feel
secure when they know what they can and cannot do.
From the time our kids are infants, we set limits for them — limits that
put boundaries around their behavior. How fast do we bolt from our
interrupted deep sleep to tend to Wailing Will in his crib? Do we permit
little Abbey to wage baby food war from the high chair? Is Nate allowed
to slap Mommy when he’s mad? Can Paige make our every shopping
expedition a walk on the wild side? Some parents build walls in the form
of firm limits for their children; others leave their kids to feel insecure
and afraid by providing few limits, or limits that crumble easily.
Foster once counseled a young mother whose son Graham was a