Learning Curves 143For many folks, “Hold the child accountable” is code for
“punishment.” Many people believe that if the conse-
quences a child has already received for his explosions
haven’t caused him to stop exploding, it must be because
the punishments didn’t cause the child enough pain. So
they add more pain. The majority of explosive kids have
had more pain than most people experience in a lifetime. If
pain was going to work, it would have worked a long time
ago. And you now know the things reward and punishment
programs do well: They teach basic lessons well and they
motivate well. It is the premise of this book that your child
already knows you don’t want him to explode and is already
motivated not to explode. Mission accomplished. The no-
tion that the only thing these kids need is a good kick in the
butt is simply wrong and doesn’t do justice to the diverse
mechanisms that may underlie a child’s difficulties. Indeed,
a lot of the so-called explanations for their behavior are
simply clichés that have little meaning once you think
about them a while:
- “He just wants attention.” We all want attention. So
“he just wants attention” can’t possibly explain why
he’s exploding. - “He just wants his own way.” We al l wa nt ou r own
way. So that couldn’t possibly explain why he’s ex-
ploding.