Oh Crap! Potty Training

trained. He would pee on his own, but pooping in his pants was a
recurring issue. Rachel really balked at giving a consequence. To her,
it felt wrong to “punish” her son, Sean. Upon further discussion with
her, it became clear that Sean fell into the “lazy” category. He just
didn’t want to leave his activity. She tried pausing the activity to
encourage him to use the potty—no dice. She tried bringing a toy to
the potty—no dice. She even tried having him help clean up, but
since he couldn’t really touch the poop, it didn’t seem to faze him.
When I suggested a consequence, she fought me tooth-and-nail. She
didn’t see the difference between a consequence and a reward, and
she preferred to reward rather than punish.
I’ll tell you what I told Rachel, and what I’ll say in the book many
times: I don’t believe in rewards for expected behavior. If you want to
give it a go, that’s fine. I’ve personally seen it create much more
trouble than good. I don’t think a sticker or a little candy is enough
to change a behavior. I also don’t think sticker charts work. I don’t
think a child has the thought process to say, “Oh, I have four stickers
this week; three more, and I get a prize.” I’ve seen kids learn to meter
out pee and poop to get more rewards, and I’ve seen candy create
bigger power struggles during potty training. It’s not worth it.
Occasionally, I will see a kid who I can’t quite figure out—has he
actually learned it or not?—and even in that case, a small
consequence can help. Again, this doesn’t require being mean. It’s
just a way of bumping up the child’s level of caring about learning the
new skill.
Rachel ended up taking away a small toy every time Sean pooped
in an inappropriate place. It wasn’t drama filled or anything; just a
“you do this and I do that” bumping-up of consequences. Within two