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pain of loving, and for many of us love has caused a great deal of pain. We don't risk being trapped by ourselves in
relationships that don't work. We don't risk having to be who we are, which includes being emotionally honest and the
possible rejections of that. We don't risk people abandoning us; we don't risk. And we don't have to go through the
awkwardness of initiating relationships. When we don't get close to people, at least we know what to expect: nothing.
Denial of love feelings protects us from the anxiety caused by loving. Love and closeness often bring a sense of loss of
control. Love and closeness challenge our deepest fears about who we are and whether it is okay to be ourselves, and
about who others are and whether that is okay. Love and closenessinvolvement

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with peopleare the greatest risks a man or woman can take. They require honesty, spontaneity, vulnerability, trust,
responsibility, self-acceptance, and acceptance of others. Love brings joy and warmth, but it also requires us to be
willing to occasionally feel hurt and rejection.

Many of us have learned to run from closeness, rather than take the risks involved. We run from love or prevent
closeness in many ways. We push people away or do hurtful things to them so they won't want to be close to us. We do
ridiculous things in our minds to talk ourselves out of wanting to be close. We find fault with everyone we meet; we
reject people before they have a chance to reject us. We wear masks and pretend to be something other than who we are.
We scatter our energies and emotions among so many relationships that we don't get too close or vulnerable to anyonea
technique called "watering down the milk" by one person. We settle for artificial relationships, where we will not be
expected nor asked to be close. We play roles instead of being a real person. We withdraw emotionally in our existing
relationships. Sometimes, we prevent closeness by simply refusing to be honest and open. Some of us sit, paralyzed by
fear, unable to initiate relationships or enjoy closeness in existing relationships. Some of us run; we physically remove
ourselves from any situation where love, emotional vulnerability, and risk are or might be present. As a friend says, "We
all have a pair of track shoes in our closet."

We run from intimacy for many reasons. Some of us, particularly those of us who grew up in alcoholic family situations,
may never have learned how to initiate relationships and how to be close once a relationship begins. Closeness was not
safe, taught, or allowed in our families. For many people, caretaking and chemical use became substitutes for intimacy.

Some of us allowed ourselves to get close once or twice, then got hurt. We may have decided (on some level) that it was
better and safer not to get close, not to risk being hurt again.

Some of us learned to run from relationships that aren't good for us. But for some of us, running from or avoiding
closeness and intimacy may

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have become a habit, a destructive habit that prevents us from getting the love and closeness we really want and need.
Some of us may be tricking ourselves, so we're not even aware we're running or what we're running from. We may be
running when it isn't necessary.

Closeness to people may look like scary, mind-boggling business, but it doesn't have to be that scary. And it's not that
difficult. It even feels good, when we relax and let it happen.

It's okay to feel afraid of closeness and love, but it's also okay to allow ourselves to love and feel close to people. It's
okay to give and receive love. We can make good decisions about who to love and when to do that. It's okay for us to be
who we are around people. Take the risk of doing that. We can trust ourselves. We can go through the awkwardness and
friction of initiating relationships. We can find people who are safe to trust. We can open up, become honest, and be who
we are. We can even handle feeling hurt or rejected from time to time. We can love without losing ourselves or giving up
our boundaries. We can love and think at the same time. We can take off our track shoes.

We can ask ourselves, are we preventing closeness in our existing relationship? How are we doing that? Is it necessary?
Why? Do we know someone we want to be close tosomeone who would be safe to be close to? Why don't we take steps
to get close to that person? Would we like to initiate some new relationships? How could we do that? Are we needing