And then we just kept on doing it. Maybe we're afraid to let go, because when we let go in the past, terrible, hurtful
things happened.
Maybe we've been attached to peopleliving their lives for and through themfor so long that we don't have any life of our
own left to live. It's safer to stay attached. At least we know we're alive if we're reacting. At least we've got something to
do if we're obsessing or controlling.
For various reasons codependents tend to attach themselves to problems and people. Never mind that worrying isn't
solving anything. Never mind that those problems rarely have solutions. Never mind that they're so obsessed they can't
read a book, watch television, or go for a walk. Never mind that their emotions are constantly in turmoil over what she
said or didn't say, what she did or didn't do, or what she will do next. Never mind that the things we're doing aren't
helping anyone! No matter what the cost, we will hang on. We will grit our teeth, clutch the rope, and grab more tightly
than ever.
Some of us may not even be aware we've been holding on so tightly. Some of us may have convinced ourselves we have
to hang on this tightly. We believe there is simply no other choice but to react to this particular problem or person in this
obsessive manner. Frequently, when I suggest to people that they detach from a person or problem, they recoil in horror.
"Oh, no!" they say. "I could never do that. I love him, or her, too much. I care too much to do that. This problem or
person is too important to me. I have to stay attached!"
My answer to that is, "WHO SAYS YOU HAVE TO?"
I've got newsgood news. We don't "have to." There's a better way. It's called "detachment." 3 It may be scary at first, but
it will ultimately work better for everyone involved.
A Better Way
Exactly what is detachment? What am I asking of you? (The term, as you may have guessed, is more jargon.)
page_61Page 62First, let's discuss what detachment isn't. Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawal; a resigned, despairing acceptance
of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to, and totally unaffected by people
and problems; a Pollyanna-like ignorant bliss; a shirking of our true responsibilities to ourselves and others; a severing of
our relationships. Nor is it a removal of our love and concern, although sometimes these ways of detaching might be the
best we can do, for the moment.
Ideally, detachment is releasing, or detaching from, a person or problem in love. We mentally, emotionally, and
sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy (and frequently painful) entanglements with another person's
life and responsibilities, and from problems we cannot solve, according to a handout, entitled "Detachment," that has
been passed around Al-Anon groups for years.
Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't
ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities
and tend to our own instead. If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own
proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow. And we
give ourselves that same freedom. We live our own lives to the best of our ability. We strive to ascertain what it is we
can change and what we cannot change. Then we 1`stop trying to change things we can't. We do what we can to solve a
problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing. If we cannot solve a problem and we have done what we could, we learn
to live with, or in spite of, that problem. And we try to live happilyfocusing heroically on what is good in our lives today,
and feeling grateful for that. We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.
Detachment involves "present moment living"living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and
trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day.
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