Obsession with another human being, or a problem, is an awful thing to be caught up in. Have you ever seen someone
who is obsessed with someone or something? That person can talk about nothing else, can think of nothing else. Even if
he appears to be listening when you talk, you know that person doesn't hear you. His mind is tossing and turning,
crashing and banging, around and around on an endless racetrack of compulsive thought. He is preoccupied. He relates
whatever you say, no matter how unrelated it actually is, to the object of his obsession. He says the same things, over and
over, sometimes changing the wording slightly, sometimes using the same words. Nothing you say makes any difference.
Even telling him to stop doesn't help. He probably would if he could. The problem is he can't (at that moment). He is
bursting with the jarring energy that obsession is made of. He has a problem or a concern that is not only bothering himit
is controlling him.
Many of the people I've worked with in family groups have been that obsessed with people they care about. When I
asked them what they were feeling, they told me what the other person was feeling. When I asked what they did, they
told me what the other person had done. Their entire focus was on someone or something other than themselves. Some of
them had spent years of their lives doing thisworrying about, reacting to, and trying to control other human beings. They
were shells, sometimes almost invisible shells, of people. Their energy was depleteddirected at someone else. They
couldn't tell me what they were feeling and thinking because they didn't know. Their focus was not on themselves.
Maybe you've been obsessed with someone or something. Someone does or says something. A thought occurs to you.
Something reminds you of a past event. A problem enters your awareness. Something happens or doesn't happen. Or you
sense something's happening, but you're not sure what. He doesn't call, and he usually calls by now. He doesn't answer
the phone, and he should. It's payday. In the past he always got drunk on payday. He's only been sober three months.
Will it happen again today? You may not know what, you may not know why, and you're
page_59Page 60not sure when, but you know something badsomething terriblehas happened, is happening, or is about to happen.
It hits you in the stomach. The feeling fills you upthat gut-twisting, handwringing anxiety that is so familiar to
codependents. It is what causes us to do much of what we do that hurts ourselves; it is the substance worry and obsession
feed upon. It is fear at its worst. Fear usually comes and goes, leaving us in flight, ready to fight, or just temporarily
frightened. But anxiety hangs in there. It grips the mind, paralyzing it for all but its own purposesan endless rehashing of
the same useless thoughts. It is the fuel that propels us into controlling behaviors of all sorts. We can think of nothing but
keeping a lid on things, controlling the problem, and making it go away; it is the stuff codependency is made of.
When you're obsessed, you can't get your mind off that person or that problem. You don't know what you are feeling.
You didn't know what you were thinking. You're not even sure what you should do, but by God, you should do
something! And fast!
Worrying, obsessing, and controlling are illusions. They are tricks we play on ourselves. We feel like we are doing
something to solve our problems, but we're not. Many of us have reacted this way with justifiably good reason. We may
have lived with serious, complicated problems that have disrupted our lives, and they would provoke any normal person
to become anxious, upset, worried, and obsessed. We may love someone who is in troublesomeone who's out of control.
His or her problem may be alcoholism, an eating disorder, gambling, a mental or emotional problem, or any combination
of these.
Some of us may be living with less serious problems, but they concern us anyway. People we love or care about may
have mood swings. They may do things we wish they wouldn't do. We may think he or she should do things differently,
a better way, a way that we believe wouldn't cause so many problems.
Out of habit, some of us may have developed an attitude of attachmentof worrying, reacting, and obsessively trying to
control. Maybe we have lived with people and through events that were out of control.
page_60Page 61Maybe obsessing and controlling is the way we kept things in balance or temporarily kept things from getting worse.